The media may have rushed to name Hillary Clinton the Democratic Presidential nominee, but don’t count Bernie Sanders out yet. Though the establishment might think this race is over, Sanders supporters know that everything could change in an instant if Hillary Clinton got 100% ka-blammo’d by an asteroid.
See, the corporate media hasn’t been following this story because it conflicts with their narrative. They’re all too eager to count Bernie out and ignore and belittle the very real asteroid threat that could end Hillary Clinton’s campaign in one stroke.
“Clinton might have a commanding delegate lead, even discounting superdelegates,” confirmed Sanders supporter Klyde Rathbone, 24. “But who’s to say Hillary will get to November without getting hit by, like, an asteroid or something? Satellites fall out of the sky every day. It’s basically a guarantee Hillary’s going to catch a nice chunk of space rock before November, and then Bernie will finally have beaten this rigged system.”
Bernie critics claim that relying on asteroids to secure the nomination is desperate and subverts the will of the people who have voted Hillary to insurmountable leads in literally every relevant metric, but supporters disagree.
“There’s nothing mean-spirited about this,” said Sanders campaign manager Jeff Weaver. “We’re just pursuing the most logical path we have to the nomination. Asteroids can hit anyone, okay? We all know this. We’re all at risk. Until we know for sure that Hillary’s not going to get totally creamed, we’re talking just epically plastered by a goddamn meteor, it’d be irresponsible to drop out of this race.”
Of course, Clinton’s campaign has been quick to dismiss the possibility of an asteroid ending Hillary’s run.
“Even if some space debris does hit Mrs. Clinton,” said campaign advisor Joel Benenson, “NASA has advised us that it would most likely be a bothersome bop on the noggin and nothing more. I mean, come on, guys. Have you not seen the primary results? Isn’t it exhausting to keep coming up with these crazy scenarios?”
“This asteroid is our last hope,” Rathbone said. “Bernie’s the leader our country needs, not some shifty-eyed girl who is basically guaranteed to get hit by an asteroid. I mean, it’s going to happen, because if Sanders doesn’t win, then why did I get this Bernie 2016 tattoo?”
Stay calm, Bernie fans. A whole bunch of stuff can fall out of the sky before November.
Tom Harrison would vote for a cow wearing a wizard hat to keep Donald Drumpf out of the White House. Probably would vote for a cow wearing a wizard hat regardless.
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