LOS ANGELES — Earlier this week a beautiful and talented human female announced plans to finally leave her husband of nine years, who is a prehistoric cave sloth.
Paula Patton, 38, is a successful Hollywood actress who had surprisingly been with the cave sloth for many years prior to their marriage in 2005. The split comes as no surprise to Patton’s friends and or anyone who has seen the couple, really.
“Finally,” said Patton’s friend Queen Latifah.
The gorgeous, intelligent Patton has been nominated for several film industry awards and is also an accomplished singer. She is very physically attractive and over the years has captured the attention of many worthy males. Patton is an educated woman who attended the University of California at Berkeley, a top collegiate institution, before transferring to the USC Film School and graduating magna cum laude. Sources close to her confirm that she is capable of conversation and wit, making her a great companion for dinner parties and social functions.
Born into a wealthy showbiz family, Patton’s former husband can sing and dance relatively well for being a nearly six-foot tall cave sloth. Famous for dressing up in designer suits and making high-pitched mating vocalizations, it often wears dark sunglasses to hide its droopy, wide-set sloth eyes.
Patton and the sloth do have offspring, a boy child who is almost three years in age.
Still, Patton would make a great romantic partner and domestic confidant for any number of men who would cherish her beauty and talents, and not commit adultery or engage in boorish, lascivious behavior as the prehistoric cave sloth, being a breed of unevolved mammal, was known to do.
“Paula deserves to be with a real man,” said fellow actress and close friend Kerry Washington. “I mean like a real, actual man. A human man.”
Los Angeles County officials have issued a warning to all area models, dancers and waitresses that the sloth will soon be released back into the wild.
Cole Moser can think of a couple things that rhyme with “hug me.” Ugly, for instance.