BOSTON, Mass. — While sorting through the contents of her backpack last night, local woman Jill Acosta made a horrifying discovery—the banana she purchased for lunch earlier that day had been mangled beyond recognition.
“Picture a fruit that comes from hell. That’s what it looked like,” said Acosta. “Whatever happened to it in there, it was some drama.”
Experts speculated on the trajectory of the destroyed fruit, estimating that it had shuffled to the bottom of the main pocket by 2 p.m., was bruised heavily when Acosta thrust her hardcover novel into the same compartment, and was dealt its death blow when, during her commute home, Acosta slammed her bag onto the train floor.
“Total. Devastation,” said pomologist Patricia Geiger. “First thing I think when I see it is, ‘Did this ‘nanner go to ‘Nam?'”
Much to Ms. Acosta’s dismay, the beige flesh of the fruit had covered her book, Tupperware container and the spring jacket she stuffed into the bag because of unseasonably high temperatures. Frustrated with the mess of potassium-laden gore, Acosta told reporters she also felt shame for neglecting her would-be snack.
“My bag is a citrus coffin,” she whispered, “My ignorance has wrought carnage previously unseen to my luggage.”
Debates about the fate of the quarter of the banana found intact have flared since Acosta made the discovery last night. Acosta told reporters she planned to “nibble the fleshy stub,” an idea which her wife vehemently opposed.
Said her wife: “Oh, you can’t stop at murdering the poor thing? You have to feast on its remains? You’re a monster.”
Patrick Reilly wants to know whether or not an apple with a worm in it is vegetarian.
Image from flickr.