Bag Of Cocaine More Traveled Than User

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MILWAUKEE, Wis. — Noting that it had come all the way to Milwaukee from Colombia with several stops along the way, local sources reported that the plastic baggie filled with 3.5 grams of cocaine purchased by Jimmy Kastor was more traveled than he was.

“I can’t wait for our trip to Eau Claire this summer, man. It’s going to be so tight,” said Mr. Kastor to his friends before reportedly taking a line of the cocaine that had traveled through the beautiful Central American countryside, seeing Costa Rica, Nicaragua, and Honduras—all places Mr. Kastor has never seen himself.

According to reporters, the tiny bag of narcotics traversed over 4,000 miles before finally arriving in Mr. Kastor’s possession, which is significantly more than the 600 miles Mr. Kastor has logged with Delta when he flew to Minneapolis for his grandmother’s funeral that one time.

“Dude, we should just drive somewhere!” exclaimed Mr. Kastor while under the influence of the worldlier drug. “You want to get out of town? We should totally just get up and go somewhere. Like anywhere! Like Green Bay!”

Final reports showed that the bag of cocaine also outlived its user.

Tommy Molzahn would love to see Costa Rica.

Image by settenews.