Badass Pilot Promises Lottery Winnings Won’t Change Him


CLEARWATER, Fla. — Recent Florida state lottery winner and rebel pilot Teddy “Florida” Gains has sworn that his new fortune will not change who he is. The Florida resident won $72 million last week, sources reported.

“I’ll probably get some better shit, but I’ll still be the same old Florida Gains,” said the new millionaire. “I’m still gonna make my own rules. For instance, they’re bringing my new ping pong tables tomorrow and it’s the best one they make. I got an extra one for just in case, or for outside.”

Gains, who has been flying planes since he was three and holds a commercial pilot license, did invest in a new aircraft.

“Well, it’s new to me. I got it on eBay from some dillard who didn’t know what he had,” bragged Gains, 36. “Me and my ex-brother-in-law did the custom work ourselves. It took most of the afternoon.”

Gains said he plans to use the badass new plane to crop dust Mexico and parts of America he does not like.

Ross Kelly bought a new tennis racket with his very disappointing tax return.

Image by James Webb.

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Ross Kelly grew up in St. Louis, MO: the land of a thousand arches. It was here that he never did comedy. He would go on to Southern Illinois, where he started doing stand-up and also started not finishing college. In 2012, he moved to Chicago to pursue more comedy, as well as an opportunity to continue not going to school. He is an original member of The Whiskey Journal team, and can make a pretty amazing hollandaise sauce.