RALEIGH, N.C. — Calling the baby’s circumstances a “lifelong impairment,” doctors from Duke Raleigh Hospital diagnosed James Michael Parker, a 12-pound 18-inch newborn, with a very serious and life-threatening ethnicity earlier today.
“While James’ vitals indicate that he’s a perfectly healthy baby, I’m afraid his exceedingly high melanin levels will prevent him from ever leading a normal life,” said obstetrician Dr. Edward Turner, adding that the newborn has a long, arduous road ahead of him. “Based on my professional experience, I’d say James has about five good years before the ethnicity begins taking a toll on his well-being.”
According to reports, one in four Americans are afflicted by this epidermal abnormality, which doctors now speculate may be hereditary. Studies also confirm that nearly all patients who are diagnosed with this somewhat-rare condition endure a lifetime of complications such as extreme social discomfort, difficulty finding employment, and in rare cases, involuntary deportation.
“Unfortunately, there’s little we can do for James as we are years away from finding a cure,” Dr. Turner continued. “With that said, it can still be managed by making a number of lifestyle adjustments, like shopping at Brooks Brothers, joining an ultimate Frisbee league and watching the film Juno at least twice a week.”
At press time, the infant was being transported to the Raleigh Police Department for questioning as he matches the description of a suspect in a nearby triple homicide.
Chad Thurman desperately needs some of baby James’ melanin.
Image by Wikipedia.