By guest blogger Mike Pence
The Washington Post probably thought they were going to make me and my wife Karen look pretty silly by releasing some of the rules that help keep our love going, but they were wrong. I never eat alone with a woman other than my wife and I will not attend events featuring alcohol without her by his side. This may seem extreme to some of you godless barbarians, incapable of finding a love that Jesus himself could be proud of. Plus, if we had dinner together, there’s no way you wouldn’t fuck me.
Seriously, my fuck game is out of control. If you went to Cracker Barrel with me, my mickey mouse pancakes wouldn’t even be on the table before I’d have you in a bathroom stall. And I’d do disgusting things to you too, things you wouldn’t dream of. I’d dunk your head in the toilet and make you call me The Big Boy. I’d even let you slap me in the face, I can take it.
Every morning since I became a U.S. House of Representatives member in 2001, I’ve done 15 pushups in the corner of my office. You should see my pecs, but you can’t. Karen won’t let you anywhere near this prized stud–and with good reason. I’ll fuck you like you’ve never been fucked before.
This has gotta be toughest on you though. Knowing that I have these rock hard pecs. Knowing that I know how to make you squeal like the dirty, dirty pig in my favorite movie Babe. Knowing that I have a little secret for you, and it’s four of the hardest inches of penis you’ve ever seen. I got a tattoo too. Something only Karen’s seen.
Sometimes a woman at the grocery store or even at the bank will try to make conversation with me, and I’ll see the pain in their eyes. I can see that she’d love to sit down for dinner with Pence Dawg, but we can’t do that. Nope, not until Karen’s dead. Because Pence Dawg will fuck you so hard. I’m not even exaggerating. Before Karen, I fucked 2.5 women so good, they couldn’t even stand to see me again.
The secret to being a ladies man is easy: Their minds are made of a smaller brain tissue, and thoughts of shopping. Most women are looking for their only one, and that’s why I’m can’t have dinner with you. If you got one look at my pecs, or one look at the tribal tattoo around the head of my penis, you wouldn’t be able to handle it. I did this for you.
Mike Pence is Vice President of the United States.
Image by wikimedia.