Kyle Scanlan - 2/47 - The Whiskey Journal

Kyle Scanlan

NEW YORK — Following a decade of multiple sexual harassment allegations, Bill O’Reilly’s 21-year run at Fox News has reportedly come to an end as the longtime popular TV show host has fallen victim to Fox’s harsh “eight strikes and you’re out” sexual harassment policy.

“We believe in second chances,” said Fox News chairman Rupert Murdoch. “We also believe in third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh chances, but as the old saying goes, ‘eight strikes and you’re out.'” Murdoch is currently serving as interim chair following former CEO Roger Ailes’ resignation last summer for what was apparently a minimum of eight instances of workplace sexual misconduct.

“We’re losing a good, honest news man today,” said Fox host Brit Hume, who has only made inappropriate sexual advances against four colleagues.

The decision comes as a surprise to those close to the situation, as O’Reilly’s ratings went up amidst sexual harassment allegations and Fox News’ general unwavering support of the world’s shittiest people.

“Maybe this is the new us,” said a spokesperson for Fox News’ parent company 21st Century Fox. “Maybe we, like, give a shit what kind of monsters we let put information into our viewer’s brains now?”

The spokesperson for 21st Century Fox continued: “Or maybe O’Reilly is just a giant dick to work with. You’ve seen the ‘Fuck it, we’ll do it live’ video, right?”

At press time, O’Reilly’s agent Carole Cooper was working with a member of Fox News’ legal team to expand the rule to 13 strikes and you’re out.

Kyle Scanlan will continue to get his news from Facebook.

Image by justinhoch.

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