This is big. The Chicago Cubs are playing in Game 7 of the World Series. They haven’t won it since 1908. Nearly two generations of Cubs fans have come and gone without seeing a World Series title. You don’t even deserve this. I mean, who are you? Why are you special? Jesus Christ, you better not fuck up this miraculous season by doing something stupid.
Here are some helpful tips for not totally fucking jinx them today:
• Do everything that you did yesterday.
• Don’t say “Cubs,” only refer to them as “Young Bears.”
• Try casually whistling the whole day like nothing big is going on at all.
• Channel the spirit of 1908 by forcing a child to perform manual labor.
• Drink the exact number of margaritas Mark Grace did (11) after he went 3-for-4 against the Reds on June 14th, 1998.
• Don’t wear anything Cubs related so the gods will not know your true allegiance and will not punish you for hubris.
• Ritually sacrifice the first person you hear that says “sportsball.”
• Have a meaningful life outside of watching sports, just in case.
• Make sure you and your bride do not see each other before the game starts.
• Hold your breath until the 7th inning.
• Wear your lucky hat that you got away with that murder in.
• Root for the Cleveland Indians.
• Continue to not donate the extra dollar at Walgreens like you’ve done all season.
• In solidarity with lefty closer Aroldis Chapman, fire a handgun in your garage.
Image by herkie.