Assist Comes Out As Basketball’s First Openly Gay Statistic


SPRINGFIELD, Mass. — Assist, one of basketball’s most venerable statistics, stepped forward Monday as the sport’s first openly gay measurement of performance.

“After 135 years of helping others, I decided it was time to help myself,” said the statistic, which also plays soccer and something called hockey.

Assist’s revelation is the biggest cultural shift for basketball since 1962, when Dunk Shot became the sport’s first African-American statistic.

“Basketball is proud to have Assist as a member of its family,” said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver. “Unless this upsets a majority of our corporate sponsors, in which case Assist can take a gay hike.”

Assist praised his teammates for their support, saying it gained the courage to announce its sexual orientation after a conversation with Quarterback Sack, football’s first openly gay statistic.

But not everyone has been supportive. Rebound, an older teammate of Assist, announced on Twitter it “wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing a stat sheet with a gay number.”

Nevertheless, Assist looks forward to the future and says it’s “excited to note every time one man makes a pass at another.”

John Clark loves all basketball statistics. But he figured Effective Field Goal Percentage would be the first, you know?

Image by Pickandroll.