CHAMPAIGN, Ill. — With the school year starting again, U.S. Army recruiter Sgt. Scott Pezl is once again descending upon the quad of the University of Illinois to take advantage of the young and malleable minds of college freshmen.
“It’s just like choosing a sexual partner—I like ’em young and dumb,” said Pezl.
This time of year is always busy for recruiters, who make easy prey of directionless children. Pezl has been seen hounding the student center for loners, dweebs, and others who have nothing better to do than throw themselves into a massive imperialist killing machine. He claims to be an expert at spitting game about the benefits and perks of military service.
“It’s kind of like a frat but with a bigger budget so you can rape people from all over the world,” Pezl told an acne-laden Finance major.
As throngs of students exited massive lecture halls between classes, Pezl became fevered with anticipation, eager to begin his pitch.
“Can you imagine all these fine pieces lined up in roll call?” Pezl groaned. “Ugh. They’d look even better decked out in digital camo. Look! Look at that one. What I wouldn’t give for 15 minutes alone with that one. I’d have him refueling an Abrams and loving it.”
Pezl says the most rewarding part of the job is the look on students’ faces when they really buy into the ideology of bravery and teamwork.
“There are few things more gratifying than offering these naïve, lost idiots the shred of identity that they are desperate for,” Pezl claims. “They’d take a bullet for just one marketable skill.”
The U.S. Army recruiters’ manual recommends talking to students before they’ve taken any classes in history or political science. Sgt. Pezl says he’s learned a few of his own tricks over the years, like relating to things the students like.
“Hey, don’t you wanna take over the world with a bunch of people who look like John Cena?” he asked a group of onlookers.
Recruitment is a crucial area for the armed forces and also intensely satisfying for Pezl.
“There is nothing sexier than a cadet learning to field strip an M4 carbine,” Pezl said. “I make that happen.”
Patrick Reilly was dishonorably discharged for hitting on his drill sergeant.
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