The Whiskey Journal

By Kyle Scanlan

MIAMI, FL — After being exposed in the fourth quarter, the forehead of LeBron James lead the Miami Heat to an overtime victory over the San Antonio Spurs in Game 6 of the NBA Finals on Tuesday night. 

“When I ditched my headband, I wasn’t scared anymore,” said the forehead of LeBronJames. “Everyone already talks shit about me. This basically just sets it up on a tee for them. Bring it on.” 

Following the disposal of the trademark headband, the forehead of LeBron James went into full-on attack mode, bringing the Heat back from double digits to avoid elimination, finishing the game with 32 points, 11 assists, 10 rebounds. 

“I hope LeBron doesn’t wear the headband in game seven,” said the forehead of LeBron James, the four-time MVP. “On one hand, showing me off could be a lucky charm, the one thing that proves to everyone that LeBron is a champion. He deserves to be named with the greatest of all time.”

He continued: “On the other hand, I am fucking ugly-ass forehead.”

The forehead of LeBron James is listed as “unbearable” for Thursday night’s game. 

Tweet all of your LeBron insults to Kyle at @kylescanlan.

By Erin Zimmerman @aboxapart

It’s your time of the month! Shirley’s Temple has spent hours researching your most pressing questions and after finally getting blocked from our ex-boyfriend’s phones, we’ve got the deets on your beefs in a column we call:

Dear Shirley,

“How do I know he loves me if I’m not pregnant?”

This is a tough one. A load of viable sperm is always the best way to know if he’s down long term. Our suggestion is to test him by taking your birth control a little less on the reg and a little more never. Surprise pregnancies are pretty much the only way to tell if he’s a Billy Crudup or a Jim Gaffigan. 

“Why doesn’t he like to talk about his ex-gf as much as I do?”

Right?! We’ll never understand why it’s weird for him to talk about her when he’s in you. But seriously, let’s give him a little credit. It’s super hard to climax, finish dinner, sleep, or just exist when constantly discussing his exact definition of “pretty,” the layout of her closet, and millimeter differences in pussy circumferences.

“I finally coerced him into saying ‘I love you,’ does that mean he’s cheating?”

Yes.

“How many times can I fake a miscarriage to get out of a fight before he stops believing me?”

Ok, there’s some debate here. One ex-bf bought it the first five times, but another only twice. He did have a college degree and a job with benes though, so. Basically, our advice is to just keep it up until he gets wise to your jive. If you really need a number though, lets just average it at 3.5 not-babies.

“How do I get him to follow me on pinterest?” 

If you can get him to sign up for pinterest, you can take over this column. 

To take over this column, write to: 

Shirley’s Temple

Above That Cute Wine Bar on Halsted

Apt. 3E

Chicago, IL 60657

Erin Zimmerman is a co-editor of Shirley’s Temple and hopes you all find your Jim Gaffigan…but she gets the Billy Crudup thing. At least for the first two trimesters.

(Editor’s note: Andy is from a small town in Nebraska and has spent about a year in Chicago and Boston. He knows he’s not really from either city so he shouldn’t speak for them, but he can do both city’s accents horribly. So that’s good enough for us.)

As a guy now in Chicago who gained substantial weight living in Boston, it’s a great city with an incredible food history. In Boston you can drink a Sam Adams while looking at the grave of Sam Adams. And in Chicago you can get legally drunk in a cemetery.

This guide is meant for the Blackhawk fan visiting Boston sometime during the Stanley Cup finals. I used to live in Boston and my mom visited one time so I had to take her to non-fast food restaurants. This means I’m the right kind of person to impart some of the Walking City’s important culinary knowledge. So Bears fans, enjoy your time in Beantown! (Yes, everyone there calls it Beantown, so be sure to say Beantown constantly during your trip. It will make the locals think you’re cultured.)

Clam Chowder — This is the No. 1 dish in a city known for about six dishes. While you may know about Chicago’s famous deep dish pizza, Boston’s take on clam chowder is their famous deep clam chowder, which is the dish served in a bowl that’s six inches deep, twice the size of normal Massachusetts bowls. Serious clamchow, that. (Clamchow is a phrase Bostonians use, so order a side of deep clamchow and you’ll fit right wicked in!)

The North End — Everything you’ve heard about Boston’s North End is true: This neighborhood is home to an amazing improv theater in the basement of a CVS and where the French Revolution began. You’ve also probably heard about the neighborhood’s Italian food, which is served in at least two of its restaurants. One restaurant, Assaggio, has the word “ass” in its name. Another restaurant, Goody Glover’s, is named after an Irish woman who was hanged as a witch. Both are indicators of the neighborhood’s strong Italian presence. Be sure to walk past the Holocaust Memorial on your way to the North End so you can feel extra bummed while you wait in line for a slice of pizza from the world-famous famous “Modern Pastry.”

Legal Sea Foods at the Copley Place Mall — You’ll get the best of both worlds here at Boston’s most quintessential restaurant: deep clamchow and lobster bake (Lobster bake is Boston slang for cheeseburger). The restaurant’s also the only place you can eat seafood without breaking the law. That last part’s a joke — seafood’s been banned in the state since John Winthrop’s 1632 decree, which also outlawed hugging and the formation of South Shore hardcore bands after 2003. Very prescient, that Winthrop. The Copley Place Mall’s long history adds to this particular location, as you can see remnants of ancient colonial shops, such as Borders Books, and Yankee Candle, which was where Paul Revere bought the candles used in his famous noontime ride. Be sure to order the restaurant’s famous shrimp kabob (Bostonian’s pronounce it ‘shimp,’ dropping the R) and live it up like a Puritan.

LeeChen’s Mexican Grill and Chinese Food — This restaurant is nestled in the heart of South Boston, a neighborhood made famous in the Ben Affleck movie “The Bourne Ultimatum.” Known for its deep Irish roots, the neighborhood is home to lots of traditional Irish food, such as this combination Mexican and Chinese food joint. That means you can order a chicken burrito and crab rangoon, or as it’s translated into Gaelic: “fahkin creb rangoon.” When I moved to Chicago I probably impacted their profits by about 12 percent, because come on, Mexican and Chinese food at the same time. Just another reason Boston’s a great town for foodies.

Photo by Andy Boyle. Andy misses Boston but he doesn’t miss the train stopping before 1 a.m.

By Erin Zimmerman @aboxapart

CHICAGO, IL—After enduring several weeks of fruitless apartment hunting across the Northside, Robert Carter and longtime girlfriend Elizabeth Oliver settled on a pile of small, but surprisingly spacious, cardboard boxes behind a pile of discarded cinnamon rolls at the Ann Sather on Belmont.

While Carter and Oliver had been hoping for a junior one bedroom in the Lincoln Park area, they found their meager budget, “questionable” credit, and financially exhausted parents “who’d just about had it with them,” to be too much of an obstacle to living like humans. “Also, every apartment we saw was fucking terrible,” Oliver stated.

However, the new Carter/Oliver residence has the couple very excited. The boxes are a collection of discards from World Market and Ikea. “We had really been hoping to buy furniture from those places, but the boxes really make so much more sense really,” Carter said.

Oliver still feels the bathroom, a corner between the dumpster and Iraqi War Vet Steve’s “camp,” is a bit cramped. Oliver continued, “there is a really nice rain spout that drains there though. It’s kind of cut off and jagged so you can’t stand up too tall, but it’s super convenient, like a shower/bidet combo. Find THAT in Lincoln Park!” 

Carter and Oliver are currently registered at North Face and the knife department at the Crafty Beaver. Gifts may be sent care of Ann Sather dishwasher, Jerzy Oleski.

Erin Zimmerman is an Ace Reporter and Former Apartment Hunter super excited about her forthcoming stack of Ikea and World Market boxes.

Newly retired NBA point guard Jason Kidd is moving on with his professional career and has accepted the roll of Drinking Coach for the Brooklyn Nets.

“I look forward to bringing my experience and passion for the bottle to this group of young men who are just beginning their journey down the dark spiral that is a championship level substance abuse problem” said Kidd, a 10-time all-star and convicted wife beater. Kidd has career averages of 12.6 PPG, 8.7 APG, and 2.4 BAC and is best remembered for sharing the Rookie of the Year award with Grant Hill in 1995, winning a championship with the Mavericks in 2011, and smashing his car into a telephone pole while totally blitzed in 2012.

“We hope that Jason can bring his energy, passion, and seemingly limitless desire to consume to our mutual quest for oblivion,” said Nets majority owner Mikhail Prokhorov. “His court double-vision and ability to play through multiple mind erasers lead us to believe he has the basketball acumen and the liver fortitude to help our team self destruct in a spectacular super-nova of biblical proportions.” Added minority owner Jay-Z, “Jeah. Shaboi.”

Team photo courtesy of The Brooklyn Nets

David Sharp is Senior Sports and Substance Abuse Editor

Twitter: @DavidAndSharp

Shirley’s Temple is The Whiskey Journal’s sweet-but in-a-hot-way, younger sister offering the most pressing advice for your relationships and your bod. 

By Erin Zimmerman @aboxapart

The results are in! A recent study from a highly reputable internet medical site says that depression, while deeply damaging to your mental and emotional health, is also bangin’ for your bod! Depression is brought on by any manner of life experiences that cause stress including job change, pet death, break-up, or losing that super cute clutch in the bathroom of S Club. And they don’t call it seroTONin for nothing! Experts at the Shirley’s Temple Clinic clue you into the fastest way to lower your dopamine levels and boost your booty with the S.T. exclusive Depression Diet. 

Here are 5 Ways to Get Low So You Can Get Down

1) Quit Your Job Without Reason or Financial Safety Net.

Results: More time to work out. Less time to eat all those sugary office birthday cakes. 

2) “Accidentally” Back Over a Beloved Family Pet.

Results: Long, silent Sunday dinners mean you won’t able to keep down, let alone swallow all those high calorie traditions.

3) Watch a Loved One Die. Slowly.

Results: All that time spent lifting your loved one on and off toilet will tone your upper body and the wracking sobs will take care of your core!

4) Harass Your BF/GF Into Breaking Up With You.

Results: Less spent time arguing=more time spent proving to yourself you didn’t make a huge mistake by IMproving your bod.

5) Think Negative Thoughts About ALL Your Life Decisions. Constantly.

Results: Complete and total loss of ability to function. Did you know that regret burns calories (this was not proven in the study, but it sounds truish)?

Erin Zimmerman is a co-Editor of Shirley’s Temple and thinks this might be reckless advice but you should totally do it and tell her how it went. XO.

By Andy Boyle

(Editor’s note: Andy is from a small town in Nebraska and has spent about a year each in Chicago and Boston. He knows he’s not really from either city so he shouldn’t speak for them, but he can do both city’s accents horribly. So that’s good enough for us.)

As a dude who used to live in Boston but now lives in Chicago, both cities have great food. I know in Boston you’ve got the oldest restaurant in America. But in Chicago you’ve got the oldest man working as an assistant manager at a McDonald’s. So the cities have a lot in common.

This guide is meant for the Bruins fan visiting Chicago sometime during the Stanley Cup finals. I’m qualified to write this guide because I’ve researched eating in both cities by taking extensive Instagram photos of my food. So, enjoy the City of Big Shoulders, Boston pals.  And in the words of my Boston friends, “Hey you wicked pissah, let’s go Sox and Bruins and Pats and that soccer team!”

Deep Dish Pizza -- A fact that’s not as well known, but the city’s deep dish pizza was used to rebuild the Loop following the Great Chicago Fire of 1871. Now mainly loved for its nutritional instead of brickmaking qualities, Chicago’s deep dish pizza can be found in most corner stores, gift shops and fast food restaurants. But if you want real deep dish, Harold’s Chicken Shack No. 62 in the South Loop is the place to go. The Harold’s Chicken Shack’s deep dish pizza is known for its famous caramelized crust. Be sure to order it extra deep and they’ll throw a few uncut sausages on the top, just the way ol’ Harry used to make it. Also check out Lou Malnati’s in Elmhurst, which has Chicago’s second best deepy deep pizza pasta (Deepy deep pizza pasta is Chicago slang for deep dish.) Order some deep dish and you’ll feel so Chicagoan you’ll wanna bribe an alderman!

The Loop — One of the greatest restaurant areas in the world, Chicago’s “The Loop” is home to at least six Chipotle’s, six McDonald’s and four Garrett Popcorn Shops. This area derives its name from how the restaurant selections loop every three blocks. You can grab a quick burrito from Qdoba before heading to your opulent hotel on the Malnourished Mile, taking one of the city’s elevated trains, nicknamed “The R” because of how they’re “raised in the air.” Be sure to spend some time enjoying a sip of your Jamba Juice from one of its four locations. Plan a picnic near the city’s famous moveable bridges that span the Chicago River, which are often raised to impede the city’s weekly lootings.

Portillo’s Hot Dogs — Portillo’s Hot Dogs is known for their wacky and zany hot dog options, with a line regularly going around the block. The restaurant is owned by Doug Portillo, who nicknamed his restaurant the “Sausage Superstore and Encased Meat Emporium” in the late 80s during the sausage and encased meat boom. Be sure to bring a book as locals and tourists alike constantly flock to Portillo’s, causing it to take up to an hour to even find the location. Their most famous dish is the Chicago hot dog, which is made with turkey meat, topped with ketchup on a hamburger bun. Be sure to apply extra ketchup, or else a Chicagoan is known to slap the food out of your hand for “ruining a Chicago hot dog” and then steal your iPhone.

Rock and Roll McDonald’s — This restaurant, first made famous in the Led Zeppelin song “What Is and What Should Never Be,” is the birthplace of Chicago’s blues movement. It’s also where Elvis Presley first shook his hips, showing his intense pleasure after enjoying a McDouble. More recently the location is also noteworthy because you can order a hamburger featuring the parts of more than 1,000 different cows. Take that, Heavy Metal Burger King! The location also blasts both rock and roll hits, “Rock Around The Clock” and “Funky Cold Medina.” Lastly, if you don’t order a Big Mac sometime in your life from this restaurant then it’s guaranteed you’ll never make it to Valhalla. (Valhalla is Chicago slang for “the North Shore,” which is like Boston’s North Shore only less fish smells.)

Photo by Andy Boyle. Andy misses Boston but doesn’t miss bars closing at 2 a.m. and public transportation stopping at 12:30 a.m.

By David Sharp

AMERICA – Recent data published by the UCLA College of Interpolatory Studies shows that honest-to-god real-life humans with jobs and families and everything have genuine emotions connected to the lives of totally fake-ass humans that are written, costumed, and portrayed by professional liars.

This shit-giving reached a new peak after last week’s “Game of Thrones” episode, which featured the deaths of several prominent, yet totally made up, characters on the show. Reports indicate that after the episode thousands of meatspace individuals cried, forgot about their sick living relatives, and wrote angry messages in capitol letters to other flesh-and-blood humans about how finding out accidentally that fancyland people were not going to be pretended up any more totally ruined their ability to navigate the morass that is their actual life.

Some scholars call the process of investing one’s feelings into the lives of fictional characters “identification,” whereas your grandfather refers to it as “a bunch of bullflop” and told you to go pick up his medication from the pharmacy. When asked for comment, representatives for fancyland people did not respond due to their lack of existing.

OH MY GOD YOU CARE SO HARD ABOUT THESE PIXELS

David Sharp is Senior Arts, Entertainment, and Life Coaching Editor, and upon completion of this article disappeared into the halcyonic wasteland that is Netflix, never to be heard from again. Call someone important to you.

Twitter: @DavidAndSharp

By Kyle Scanlan  

LOUISVILLE, Kent. - Local married man Kurt Roberts turns 34 years-old this weekend and is really looking forward to having adjective-worthy  sexual intercourse with his wife of 12 years.

“I learned a long time ago that Kurt doesn’t really care about presents or cake or even anyone saying happy birthday to him,” said wife Samantha Roberts. “He just wants guaranteed sex where I let him do at least one weird thing.”

All this week Roberts has been in high spirits, even turning down overtime at work. Drinking buddies of Roberts expect this to be the topic of conversation for the next few months. 

“It’s gonna be awesome!” Roberts said, smiling ear to ear. “I’ve got a lot of ideas.”

Roberts later did donuts in the parking lot of a Target while screaming “Birthday sex!” at the top of his lungs. 

Follow Kyle on Twitter https://twitter.com/kylescanlan 

Written by Kyle Scanlan

CHICAGO, IL - Following the Chicago Blackhawks 4-3 double overtime playoff win over the defending Stanley Cup champion Los Angeles Kings on Saturday evening, Chicago streets ran wild with urine from drunken hockey fans, forcing many citizens to seek shelter in their own apartment or wealthier friend’s basement. 

“We were just walking back from dinner and then I heard all this chanting and breaking of glass,” said Chicago resident Jeff Allen. “By then it was too late, we were already in the street. There was just urine everywhere. I should have never worn sandals.”

Many of the Windy City’s residents planned ahead, and had already been in hiding prior to the game, after learning the possibilities of the Blackhawks Western Conference Finals win. 

“I knew this was going to be a disaster,” said Chicago nerd Ross Baker. “I don’t watch hockey, so I don’t understand why my whole weekend is ruined because some frat boy’s favorite sports team won,” continued Baker as he scrolled through the contacts on his iPhone desperately searching for anyone to text.

Experts expect Chicago’s city streets to return to normal urine levels following the conclusion of the Stanley Cup, assuming the Cubs continue losing. 

Kyle is currently hiding inside of his Chicago apartment, petting his cat while watching Netflix. 

By John Clark

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After collecting your pathetic phone data for seven years, the National Security Agency (NSA) is baffled by how often you text your mother, according to giggling officials.

The NSA’s phone surveillance program, launched in 2005 by a gassy Dick Cheney, was created to track terrorists, but the data has revealed something far more sinister.

“For God’s sake, find another outlet for your daily office gossip,” said Director of National Intelligence James Clapper. “Like, you know, a friend.”

“Frankly, we’d be less concerned if you were texting a violent cleric in Yemen,” said Clapper. “At least that would show some initiative.”

NSA officials also expressed dismay over the frequency of texts to your ex-girlfriends, your obviously disinterested co-workers, and your distant cousins.

After analyzing your data, Clapper issued a warning: “If we’re going to spend all this time saving Americans from terrorists, we’d like Americans to have lives worth saving. You’re certainly not helping.”

John Clark can’t believe the head of the NSA is actually named James Clapper. 

DETROIT, Mich. - Detroit Tigers right hander Doug Fister and members of 80s rock bands Twisted Sister and Mr. Mister were all injured during a charity Twister tournament, with Fister, Mister Drummer Pat Mastelatto and Sister Singer Dee Snyder all contracting sinister* blisters. Fister’s blisters weren’t severe enough that the pitcher will miss any action, but the musicians might be wishing they’d skipped all the twisting. It is feared that Mastellatto will miss a lotta dates, and Snyder will have to be euthanized.

*Sinister originally meant left-handed. They got blisters on their left hands. It does too make sense. Yeah yeah, ok - I know it’s a stretch, but who gives a shit? This article was pretty goddamn dumb to start with.

Fister

Mister

Dead

David Sharp is Senior Charity Events and Rhyming Nonsense Reporter and is not proud of what he’s done here today.
Twitter: @DavidAndSharp

Shirley’s Temple is The Whiskey Journal’s sweet-but in-a-hot-way, younger sister offering the most pressing advice for your relationships and your bod. 

By Erin Zimmerman @aboxapart

Whether you’ve been trolling Pinterest for the latest tips on denim distressing or just trying to divine what your drunken dumbassery says about your look, we know you’re concerned about style, inside and out. As S.T. Denim Expert/Vajajay Analyst Bronwyn Issac says, “strategically placed rifts in denim can indicate quality levels of pussy poppin’.” Shirley’s Temple fills you in on the Freud behind the rip and what it’s telling him about your junk.   

The Hem—Tattered hems are a no-no when it comes to your no-nos ladies. If you can’t find jeans that fit, then what makes him think you’ll fit him? Plus, your hem is basically the doormat to your snatch and all a dirty doormats says is “NO SOLICITATION PLEASE!”

The Knee—SOO, back to the drunken dumbassery, knee rips tell him you’re a wildcat in bed. So hit the Ciroc, slam the cement, and go full cheetah on him! For more information on the “full cheetah,” check out next week’s edition of S.T. for “Hot to Trot: Which Endangered Species Are You in the Sack?”

The Thigh—Who’s been eating and crying in bed again?! But don’t despair, thigh rips may tell your girlfriends you need to get to the gym, but they just tell him to get in! They are few things more alluring than the illusion of a third labium, and even fewer more inviting than a plump one and all the low standards that accompany it! Eat up!

The Ass—Ok, so you’re thinking, this is just like the thigh thing again right? WRONG. Ass rips make him think about butt stuff and not the good kind. So keep the hot sauces to a minimum and get a new pair. 

The Crotch—OPEN FOR BUSINESS! (see photo)

Erin Zimmerman is co-editor of Shirley’s Temple and has always kept a clean hem on her denim. She’ll let you guess about the rest.

by Tim Barnes (@timbarnes451)

CHICAGO, IL - Law makers recently signed a measure requiring the still illegal drug, heroin, be sold with a warning label. Designs for the label were selected through a contest between elementary school students in the Chicago-land area.

“Describing it to the kids wasn’t easy,” said one teacher. “Many of them thought it sounded like candy or something.”

The official warning label (shown below) will be distributed to all drug dealers by the end of summer.

Billy Johanson, the artist behind the label, had this to say about his piece:

“I wanted it to be a purple unicorn.”

Recipients of this adorable warning label will immediately be arrested.

By John Clark

BOISE, IDAHO – Bucking a national trend, the Idaho state legislature made history this month by completely forgetting to discuss same-sex marriage, sources say.

So far 12 states have legalized gay marriage, 26 have banned it, and 11 are still loudly debating the invented dilemma. But Idaho remains blissfully unaware.

“We’ve been wrapped up in budget stuff,” admitted State Rep. Doug Frank. “Totally forgot to develop an opinion on the gay-sex-for-life thing.”

When pressed to take a position, Frank asked, “That’s the thing where two guys I don’t know get to live together, right? Why the hell would I care about that?”

And the ignorance isn’t limited to lawmakers. Idaho bigots are clueless, too.

“You mean I could’a been denyin’ rights to another minority?” said Tom Orr, a local racist. “Well, tickle my .22!”

Orr then removed his Confederate flag t-shirt, marched into the street, and threatened to “fight the first gay I see.”

After a few steps, Orr paused, scratched his sunburnt head, and asked a bystander, “Hey, what’s a gay look like, again?”

John Clark also can’t find any Idaho statutes governing abortion, the death penalty or public nudity. 

by Tim Barnes (@timbarnes451)

LOS ANGELES, CA— Start up business owner, Larry Clapton, is being investigated by police because employees  witnessed him make numerous sexual advances on himself, which he then reluctantly gave in to. 

“I was shocked,” said CyberClap’s head executive of tweeting. “Larry is such a nice guy, and I hate seeing him get taken advantage of like that. #Awkward”

It has been confirmed that Clapton promised himself a higher paid position in exchange for sexual favors.

(CyberClap employees huddle to discuss an intervention for Mr. Clapton, as well as who’s bringing what for the tomorrow’s potluck.)

Authorities have discovered love poems, inappropriate texts, and countless “dick pics,” sent from Larry Clapton to Larry Clapton. When pressed on the issue, he broke into tears.

“I admit that I had romantic thoughts for myself, and that I should have never acted upon those impulses. I am eternally ashamed.”

Shirley’s Temple is The Whiskey Journal’s sweet-but in-a-hot-way, younger sister offering the most pressing advice for your relationships and your bod. 

by Erin Zimmerman @aboxapart

You know him. Tall. Rail-thin. Scabby-skinned with those blackened, broken teeth. Some people may see him as a scary ghoul, but you know him as the sexy ghost he truly is. That’s right, he’s your meth addict BF and you love him, but more importantly, you want to know what his love for meth says about his like for you, so Shirley’s Temple has cranked out the skinny on this shit:

5) He’s a Risk-Taker—He shatters fear like glass. He’s ready and willing to do anything and go anywhere, like “borrowing” hundreds of dollars from your parents or spending three days “experiencing life” with a group of strangers he met behind the Walgreen’s!

4) He’s Great in Bed—And when he remembers your name, let alone knows you’re there at all…gurrrl! And remember, this is all about his passion for you and not in any way an effect of the drugs.

3) He’s Focused—He’s just like Bradley Cooper in “Limitless,” and even though he’s looking more like Christian Bale in “The Machinist” every day, you can see all the potential he just might maybe fulfill. Plus that tweaky shit is adorbs!

2) He’s Handy Around the House—Who else keeps as many plumbing products and paint thinners in their studio apartment?! 

1) He’s Committed—Let’s face it, nothing, and we mean nothing, is as important as a guy a girl can count on. And if his 18-month relationship with meth tells you anything, it’s that he’s in it with you for as long his body and your dignity can take it. That is, as long as he doesn’t think your one of those giant bugs that crawled out of his cheek earlier this morning. In that case, run. Now.

Erin Zimmerman is a co-editor of Shirley’s Temple and is totally, not at all, fuck what you’ve heard, into dudes with addiction issues. But it’s Friday, so it’s whatever.

By David Sharp

AMERICA – A recent study has discovered a tragic new disease known as Dickmorphia, an ailment that could potentially afflict up to 150 million American men. Dickmorphia leaves the afflicted individual with a crippling inability to understand the size of their genitalia relative to the size of other’s, a condition that could result in skewed self-esteem, absurd vehicle purchases, and the inability to be truly present during the act of physical congress.

The study, a joint effort of the Duke University School of Medicine and the South Beverly Hills College of Fuckology, has isolated two specific strains of Dickmorphia: Dickmorphia Slouchis and Dickmorphia Trucknutis. Dickmorphia Slouchis sufferers perceive their penis to be much smaller than it actually is. This condition is usually contracted by men that watch too much Internet pornography and develop skewed understandings of what constitutes “regular sized” genitalia. Slouchis, however, is the less common of the two strains; far more prevalent among American men is Dickmorphia Trucknutis, an irrational confidence in one’s equipment, usually brought on by cell phone photos with creative angles, an elaborately constructed excuse making apparatus, and exposure to girlfriends that don’t want to do anything to risk damaging spectacularly fragile ego constructs that shatter with the slightest provocation.

“It is tragic, the effect this has on a man” said Dr. Stephanie Torborg of SBHCF, one of the sponsors of the study. “This condition can lead to irrational behaviors like yelling at waitstaff and salespeople, lots of upper body days at the gym, and the construction of a patriarchal world order bent on controlling the sexual experience.”

At present, no cure exists for those afflicted with Dickmorphia. When asked what might be done to help stamp out the disease, Dr. Torborg replied “Probably something like every guy gets a surgery at the age of 22 that makes their dick the same size as everyone else’s. Like you just chop off part of the longer-dicked dudes dicks and then attach them somehow to the smaller-dicked dudes dicks? I dunno – just spitballin’ – we’re still working on it.”

And just so everyone is clear where they stand, the average length of an ERECT adult male penis is between 5-6 inches LONG and 4.5-5 inches AROUND, and no matter where you land on the spectrum if you want to be good at sex with a woman you’re going to have to learn to eat pussy.

Condoleezza Rice at the Bush War Crimes Tribunal, describing the disgraced former president’s Dickmorphia Trucknutis

David Sharp is Senior Health, Wellness, and Boning Editor and has a pretty good idea where he stands.
Twitter: @DavidAndSharp 

By Cole Moser

CHICAGO — Local comedy group The Whiskey Journal announced today that it was really pleased in the timing of the NHL’s Western Conference Semifinals, whose conclusive seventh game between Chicago and Detroit is scheduled for Wednesday night — the same night as the group’s live comedy show. The group is describing the coincidence as “really awesome.”

The live comedy show, which will take place at Fizz Bar in Chicago (tickets available here), is happy to compete with the entertainment value provided by an ice-bound horde of Nordic barbarians chasing a frozen ox liver while swinging curved painsticks.

“We’re very excited that this important NHL game could coincide with the finale of our five-week run of live comedy shows,” said The Whiskey Journal creator and spokesman Kyle Scanlan.

Scanlan then sighed deeply and continued: “Ah, hockey. The NASCAR of the North. The sport we tolerate only because soccer exists. So glad it’s tonight.”

Plenty of inexpensive tickets are still available for the hockey game. Oh that’s right, no there aren’t.

The Whiskey Journal Live! is just $5 online and $10 at the door. We’re certain we’ll see you all there.

Written by Kyle Scanlan

PITTSBURGH — After a seven-year hiatus, Arrested Development made a splashy return on Sunday, causing most of the nation to spend Memorial Day weekend inside, speed-watching the newest season on Netflix before regretfully returning to work Tuesday.

“The rest of this week is going to be really tough,” said 34-year-old Michael Weber. “I was  hoping to watch all the episodes by Monday afternoon, so I could have a chance to do my errands. Then I remembered everything was probably closed because of Memorial Day, so I just watched it again.”

He continued: “I don’t even have bread.”

Fans of the show not only spent most of their weekend watching the newest season of the series, but also arguing about whether or not it was better or worse than the original. Now many fans are left asking themselves, “Did I make a huge mistake?”

Kyle fell asleep on his couch multiple times this weekend between episodes of Arrested Development.

By Erin Zimmerman @aboxapart

FUCKWHERE, Calif. — Conventionally acceptable lesbian couple Amy Haselbeck and Tina Myers, recently experienced the final thrills of discovery in their relationship during a two-day long road trip. The couple traveled 2100 miles from their awesome Queen Anne quad in Milwaukee, WI, to visit Haselbeck’s family in San Dimas, CA. They spent exactly 37 hours and 46 minutes in their 97’ Jeep Cherokee together, exclusive of stops for gas, snacks, and teetee breaks. Haselbeck and Myers have been together for approximately four years and now, finally, know everything about one another, like six times over.

Haselbeck and Myers in happier times.

The couple originally believed the trip would be a bonding experience. They were super right. Myers realized they were in for a long ride when Haselbeck had told her the beer pong story (not that one, the other one) twice by the time they reached Kansas City. Myers said, “I mean, I was THERE. Hearing it from the first person point-of-view for the eleventh time does not enhance my memory of it.” Haselbeck confesses that her insistence on completing the trip in two days time, without sleeping, may have been a mistake, “It just really forces conversation, in a way that no other situation can. Consistently referring to it as our ‘Our Own Private Waterworld,’ probably didn’t help either. I thought it was one of those jokes that would get funnier the more I said it. It didn’t.”

As with any lengthy trip, bodily functions in close spaces became an issue. Myers became incensed when Haselbeck sneezed five times on the steering wheel without covering her mouth, then refused the hand sanitizer Myers passive-aggressively offered her. Sometime in Colorado, Haselbeck’s Hot Fries-only diet became a serious problem, as did Myers constant swigging from a homemade gallon of kombucha. However, the remainder of the gallon was spilled during an abrupt stop by Haselbeck for “some kind of deer-moose-thing” that Myers’ claims didn’t exist. The spill, which doused Myers and the Cherokee’s slate velour interior with a sweet stank, prompted a fit of tears and rage from Myers that led to a lengthy argument about inter-relational incompatibilities over manners and diet, followed by revelations of long-suppressed resentments over screw-up siblings, shitty exes, and former roommates. The argument, which began in Utah and lasted through Arizona, spawned a bout of silence in Nevada broken only by the soft tones of a Tegan and Sara album that had been stuck in stereo since Chicago.

Finally passing into California, somewhere on the I-15, Haselbeck said, “Well, at least we’ve gotten some great Vine videos out of it. So that’s cool.” Myers could only cross her arms and replay that song about a relationship that didn’t work out, while glaring at Haselbeck’s reflection in the dusty Cherokee window. 

By Erin Zimmerman, Ace Reporter and Avid Lone Road-Tripper

By Bronwyn Isaac

CHICAGO, Ill. — It was with great regret that Andrea Dorf’s fetus relayed last Saturday’s baby shower.

“It was underwhelming, to say the least,” the fetus lamented through gut kicks, then describing the horror of its mother being measured and wrapped in toilet paper, only moments later to be heard eating melted chocolate bars out of diapers.

 “They half-melted an assortment of candy bars to resemble feces and then lapped them up like dogs to test their chocolate trivia. I felt so embarrassed, is this the image I’ve been projecting?”

 The fetus admitted that although there are risks in consuming alcohol during pregnancy, an open bar would’ve greatly improved the spirits of the party, as well as given Andrea Dorf better faking abilities when opening the putrid green “Boss Dog” onesie.

 “At one point they competed to see which woman could melt baby-shaped ice cubes fastest. How is that supposed to make me feel welcome as an individual approaching infancy?”

 Despite overall disappointment and boredom at the party, the fetus remains positive about the upcoming water birth, claiming there are less foreseeable ways to make that square.

Bronwyn Isaac doesn’t want to measure your stomach unless you provide a hot toddy and Ted Danson is relaying her with Cheers anecdotes.

By Rob Gregory, @GregRobbery

CHICAGO, IL — Rick Samuelson, a deceased druggist from Chicago, has had no difficulty through the years expunging unwanted visitors  from his South Side abode. That is, until recent tenant, Alan Thin and his family moved into the home.

The apparition is finding it increasingly difficult to haunt, scare, or even make his presence known in the cluttered bungalow, which has fallen prey to Alan’s hoarding habit.

As a result of the disorder, Thin has stockpiled an excess of old furniture, newspapers, toys, tools, and other household items, strewn randomly about the home. Samuelson wants the family to vacate the premises, but will settle on the hoard’s removal, which has taken its toll on Thin’s own family members.

“I tried to throw a lamp across the room, but literally couldn’t move it 5 inches. To make matters worse, I turn around and this neglected toddler is wheezing in the corner from whatever dust and bacteria is present. It’s gross.”

While the ghost is impervious to earthly maladies, Samuelson said he’s also had difficulty “breathing” lately, which he acknowledged sounds absurd, and probably a psychological effect of the dilapidated home.

The 134 year old, formerly of Englewood, made a futile attempt to frighten the unwanted inhabitants last Tuesday when the children left for school. His “boos” quickly turned into “ewws” after noticing a growing pile of excrement, deposited by a missing and feared dead dog, Petey.

Rick stated he’d like to make contact with Thin via seance, just to confront him on his condition, but doesn’t think he’d be able to connect through the clutter.

“You need to be able to sit at these types of things. There isn’t enough room for 1 person let alone 5. My decaying body could be hidden in the mess, even propped up on top of it, and I don’t think they’d notice.”

Samuelson sought solace in the words of American Statesman Ben Franklin, saying “Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days,” and upon reflection said “I’ll take the fish.”

Find out more about Rob’s otherworldly experiences on Nickelodeon’s “Are You Afraid of that Waiter with a Ponytail.” 

by Tim Barnes (@timbarnes451)

This weekend, Kim Jong-un walked onto a lavish stage for North Korea’s first ever correspondents dinner. With a string of one-liners and zingers fully memorized, he felt prepared for a night of light hearted fun. However, each of the supreme leaders jokes got stoney silence from the audience.

“Is it something I said?” said the giggling Jong-un, “Or is it the fact that my soldiers have guns pointed at each of your heads, hahahaha.”

Still nothing.

One highlight of the night was special guest, Billy Crystal, who also bombed continuously. 

Somehow, watching the American comedic legend struggle on stage brought Jong-un great pleasure. The audience was still pretty tough to read though.

At one point, Billy Crystal, desperate for laughs, stopped his prepared routine mid-sentence, and began running in circles yelling “AY CARAMBA!”

Still nothing.

After the show, one audience member was quoted as saying, “I had an excellent time. All of the jokes really landed, and it’s probably the most I’ve ever laughed. Americans are soooo funny.”

BURBANK, Calif. — NBC and Jay Leno have inked a deal in which the Tonight Show host’s severance will be paid entirely in denim, according to entertainment sources, 

“The guy [Leno] just wouldn’t budge,” said Robert Greenblatt, chairman of NBC Entertainment, saying the bargain was reached after weeks of intense but private negations between Mr. Leno and NBC executives. “No matter how much we offered he just wanted more and more [denim].”

Per the agreement, Mr. Leno — upon his scheduled exit in winter 2014— will have 750, 1o yard bolts, approximately five pallets worth, of light blue denim fabric delivered to his Hollywood Hills home.

“That’s more than four miles of denim, “ said Danica Driller, a denim expert and self-described horse lover. “It’s enough to make over 15,000 jackets, or, if you like, 25,000 vests.”

She continued: “All in all, a huge victory for Jay and the denim community at large.”

Along with being the preferred fabric for Canadian formal wear, denim has been widely used in the US since the Civil War.

“It’s very versatile,” Driller said. “Jay will have a hard time not finding uses for it.”

Leno couldn’t be reached for comment, but those close to him are suspecting this all stems from the comedian’s life long dream to build a car completely out of denim.

Submission by Josh Huber  @jfhuber11

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By Andy Boyle

CHICAGO — Despite countless studies showing smoking tobacco cigarettes to be disastrous for your health, smoking is still pretty fucking cool, according to a new study.

“We can hardly believe this shit,” said Dr. Meg Stinson, the head of the National Cancer Institute, who lead the study. “Smoking can cause cancer, will probably shave off decades from your life and is a large reason for why healthcare is so expensive in America, but I’ll be goddamned if you don’t look cooler than Miles Davis when you got one of them cancer sticks in your mouth.”

She continued: “Fuck, I could go for a ciggie right now.”

The study followed more than 4,300 people during a 15-year period, determining that while still one of the worst things you can do to yourself, people who stopped or reduced the amount they smoked saw a rapid decrease in how cool they were.

“I know each drag introduces toxins into my body that can affect my liver, pancreas and kidneys, not to mention destroy the structure of my lungs,” said 23-year-old bartender Philip Matherson. “Yet each time I breathe in I know everyone around me thinks I’m the goddamn Fonz reborn.”

In related news, a similar study said eating a Whopper still makes you look goddamn disgusting.

Follow @andymboyle on Twitter.

By John Clark

TULSA, OK – To combat the rising tide of bullying, one innovative high school has enacted a “zero tolerance” policy to force the cool kids to tolerate the losers.

“Our school is half zeroes, half winners,” said Mike Smith, the principal at Union High School. “So we think this policy is our best shot at social harmony.”

Under the new rules, students with healthy social reputations will have to “acknowledge the existence of” the pimpled, introverted, and gifted students that make up Union’s lower caste.

The rules, however, do not force the cool kids to “engage in outside social activities” with the zeroes. They simply require a “minimal degree of tolerance,” according to Smith.

“Look, we’re not forcing the baseball team to hang with the spazzes from the bad part of town,” said Smith. “We just want the jocks to recognize the freaks’ presence.”

Early reviews have been positive. “Zack Thomas nodded at me this morning,” said Sid Twitch, wiping snot from a very red nose. “It was incredible.”

“Ya, I nodded at the kid,” confirmed Thomas, massaging his bicep. “Rules is rules.” Thomas then slapped his very attractive girlfriend on the rear end and offered this reporter a high five.

The reporter quickly accepted the offer.

John Clark can’t believe how easy kids have it these days.

Buy tickets to our upcoming show, The Whiskey Journal Live!, every Wednesday in May at Fizz Bar.

By Andy Boyle

BOULDER, COLO. — The tight, moisture-wicking Under Armour shirt Dave Toffler wore to the gym Tuesday made him totally look like an actual athlete, according to reports.

“I first noticed it while I was staring in the mirror while doing some free weight bicep curls,” said Toffler, a 28-year-old stockbroker. “I thought, ‘Wow. I look ripped. Like Tim Tebow, or even an earlier career Brett Favre.’”

Many patrons took double or triple-takes when seeing Toffler, mistaking the Under Armour-wearing man as perhaps a member of the Broncos, or maybe even one of the Rockies. At the very least, he probably played college sports somewhere, which Toffler claims he does not.

“Wow,” said Under Armor Creative Director Terry Friedman when shown photos of Toffler. “We really nailed it.”

He continued: “You really sure he doesn’t play for the Denver Nuggets? Or the Colorado Avalanche?”

Toffler said he’s planning on buying a pair of nice golf clubs, just to see if someone mistakes him for a PGA Tour member.

Andy Boyle hasn’t worked out since 2011. Follow him on Twitter at @andymboyle.

Buy tickets to our upcoming show, The Whiskey Journal Live!, every Wednesday in May at Fizz Bar.

By Bronwyn Isaac

The 20s are the most important time of your life if you are in your 20s! Your 20s are when you consume sriracha smothered burgers with less heartburn, you call sexual relations “hooking up” without sounding like an ecstasy toting adulterer, and you won’t deal with personal critique because self-absorption is the best kind of earplug.  The 20s are also a key time to sell prescription drugs, have sex with people that don’t read, and post unedited blog entries in hopes of getting book deals.

 The struggle is real, the jobs are elusive fantasies and the drama is higher than your friend who tapes Adult Swim. A commonly dark but unspoken truth of your 20s is that you will do many stupid actions that logically should cause death.

Without further adieu, here are ten ways The Whiskey Journal believes you should avoid dying in your 20s!

1. Challenging A Neighborhood Gang Member To A Fight To Impress The Attractive Bartender

Gangs are formed because of complex reasons involving systemic oppression in economic dead-end neighborhoods, the need for a family unit, and rampant cycles of violence. You are just trying to get laid. Street Fighter doesn’t count as sufficient training. If you are in a gang, do you tonight, you need a night off.

2. Parkour At The Mall

Although the mall has various counters, pedestrian rails, tables, small children, and occasional chandeliers, the risks involved in doing parkour in such a crowded area greatly outweigh the advantages. Stick to skate parks where the band-aids are as common as the AC/DC t-shirts.

3. Rebounding With Casey Anthony

As a prominent female criminal she may seem attractive as a progressive, but her carefree spirit will soon descend upon your flesh and the flesh of the unborn (and born) all around you.

4. Playing A Jersey Shore Drinking Game With Four Loko

The Situation reveals his abs, take a chug, Snooki cries, take a chug. All of New Jersey face palms - take a chug. You don’t want to be found this way.

5. Dressing Like Free Willy And Jumping In The Ocean

All of us miss the 1990s. All of us wish we could purify the ocean and speak whale, but there are safer forms of self-expression.

6. Snorting The Remains Of Former Family Homes In Detroit

Just wait fifteen years and those homes will be reconstructed into Mcdonalds franchises, looming over the depressed and already gentrified neighborhoods that slowly built themselves back into economic soundness only to be further oppressed by corporate opportunists. Basically, don’t snort future Mcdonalds, that’s just embarrassing.

7. Juggling Torches In A Play

I mean, why are you juggling torches if you’re not a master?

8.  Not Sleeping For A Week Because You Are On Drugs And Think You Are A Genius   

Geniuses need to sleep and be alive in order to leave their legacy to the hungry future generations. Your eyes are beginning to resemble shat on windshields. Shut it down.

9.  Strategically Placing Dead Rats On Your Neck While You Fall Asleep Next To Your Bitter, Homicidal Pet Snake

Snakes are pretty cool, but sometimes they want to eat you when you are baiting them with rats and haven’t fed them for days. Boundaries must be drawn with pet snakes, just as they are drawn with human people.

10. Refusing To Eat Or Drink Water Until You Find True Love On OkCupid

It’s a battlefield out there, full of questionnaires and curated photos and people who will bore you into questioning your human need for sex. Keep on keepin’ on. Explore Facebook/Tumblr/Jdate/Blackpeoplemeet/ChristianMingle/PlentyofFish before fasting. Sometimes love helps those who help themselves to parmesan smattered spaghetti in patient isolation.

Bronwyn Isaac wishes you longevity so she can invite you to TRL karaoke parties in 40 years

By John Clark

THE HOLY ETHER – After several unhappy months in Heaven, Steve Jobs is leaving the popular celestial realm to create iNirvana, a “sleeker, bolder afterlife” that allows users to personalize their eternal lifestyles.

Jobs’ abrupt departure confirms rumors of discord between Jobs and God, the creator of Heaven, which has dominated the afterlife market for 2,000 years.

Wearing his trademark turtledove tunic, Jobs used a telepathic slide show to introduce iNirvana to a floating throng of angel reporters.

“Heaven is an industry giant, sure. But its creator grew complacent,” said Jobs, referring to his friend-turned-rival, God. “Consumers deserve more options when choosing an ethereal home.”

Jobs’ departure is the latest public relations disaster for Heaven, which faces an unholy amount of anti-faith lawsuits claiming it has monopolized the afterlife.

But a new commercial featuring God reminds freshly departed souls that Heaven is the chosen afterlife of “Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King, and Ghandi, though he’d never admit it.”

In a press release, God wished Jobs “the best of luck in his new venture,” but reminded dead consumers that “Heaven will be waiting for them when iNirvana fails to meet expectations.”

John Clark can’t wait to see his friends in iNirvana.

CHICAGO — Following Chicago’s 100th murder of the year, as has been the promotion for years, residents of the city were awarded with a free Big Mac from McDonald’s.

The 100th murder in Chicago happened last Thursday night when a 23-year-old man was shot to death for being outside on a weekday, according to authorities.

“Losing my son has been one of the hardest things in the world,”  said the victim’s mother. ”But who doesn’t love free food? Especially it’s a Big Mac! I’m loving it!”

No official word yet on whether or not the victim’s family will be upgraded to a combo meal free of charge.  

Written by terrified resident of Chicago, Kyle Scanlan. Follow Kyle on Twitter at @kylescanlan.

LOS ANGELES — After receiving heavy criticism for using Kickstarter to finance his new $2 million film “Wish I Was Here”, actor and director Zach Braff has stepped forward and admitted that he was drunk when he made the Kickstarter and has “plenty of money”, according to sources.

“This is embarrassing for everyone involved,” said the 38 year-old actor. “I’ve wanted to make this film for a long time and I appreciate my fans support, but I’m fucking rich. Have you seen how many times a day Scrubs is on TV?” “Even the janitor has money.”

Braff’s 2 million dollar Kickstarter goal was reached in just three days. The film was financed by more than 33,000 people, with the majority of the money coming from Braff himself.

“Once I realized what I had done, I just got my debit card out and pledged the rest of the money,” said the former Scrubs star. “I’d like to thank the over 30,000 people that pledged money to support my new film, but let’s be honest, I paid for most of it.”

Braff plans on using the extra money from the Kickstarter on appletinis, which will more than likely result in another Kickstarter campaign from Braff.

Written by Kyle Scanlan

Follow Kyle on Twitter: https://twitter.com/kylescanlan

By Ross Kelly, @stupidrosskelly on Twitter

BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — The Landry family has been pushing for a finished basement for seven years. They say putting drywall and insulation down there would greatly reduce their utility bills. It would also allow them to put a little ambiance around their pool table such as a wet bar and a flat-screen TV with a Nintendo Wii. “This pool table was given to us by my father-in-law three years ago. But it looks terrible sitting in an unfinished basement. I want to be able to relax down there, or have a party, or watch a game,” says Bill Landry, the primary sponsor of the initiative. 

The Landry family’s proposal was stalled twice over the last seven years due to the house expressing concern that “these ‘improvements’ will likely involve compromising the structural integrity of an already unstable foundation.” 

The house agreed to Bill’s renovations Monday on the condition that the house will have the ultimate say on which contractor is used. “I’ve dealt with Bills like this before,” says the house. “What this Bill wants to do is make life more convenient with no consideration for the future of the house.”

(Above: Bill Landry standing with house to be renovated)

Pending the selection of a reputable contractor, the Landry family hopes to begin renovations by mid-May, and have everything completed by the end of June. “This is going to be better for everyone, especially the house. We already have color schemes picked out and everything,” claims Landry.

Ross Kelly is The Whiskey Journal’s foremost authority on government

Read more articles at thewhiskeyjournal.com

By Bronwyn Isaac

It is spring time, which for ladies means pastel tank tops and romantic dominance! After a long winter of rolling around in bear print panties, it’s likely you’re ready to slice yourself some manpie (or ladypie, but we’ll assume everyone’s straight because effort causes wrinkles).

Do you have your eye on a potential new boyfriend fresh from the mall? Is there a strange man sleeping on your couch you’d enjoy emotionally proselytizing? Do you keep outdated swimsuits from Jr High you hope to fit into? The Shirley Temple has concocted some steps for y’all to Beyonce’ up your ring finger while working that tankini!

1. Put Opium In His Coffee

He will feel euphoric, he will see you, and he will know that you are the one to ignite such raptures.

2. Don’t Tell Him What You Prefer Sexually

Pleasing a woman sexually can be demanding, he will appreciate you more if you shrug constantly and build up silent resentments. Resentments spice up a relationship by creating mysteries (Columbo is hott). 

3. Pretend You Like His Band

Tell him that you think he’s super Thom Yorke when he doesn’t practice his instrument and then expects solid gigs. Men love women who refute their artistic sensibilities to avoid earnest discussion.

4. Eat Lots Of Whipped Cream Together

Whipped Cream is the topping of a goddess on a budget. Share a few cans and you’ll both feel as if you’re floating on clouds of Type II Diabetes.

5. Sext Solely With Emoticons

Conventional language could cause you to seem transparent and well-read, which is scary for men, because you may have a closet full of Nicholas Sparks books. Emoticons are flirty and encompass a vast range of meanings, confirming you are a deep well of untranslatable feelings.

6. Tell Him You Are Heartbroken Because Of Your Barren Womb

As a real woman with curves, you don’t need to worry about this being a possibility. It’s primarily an irreplaceable opportunity to fish out some empathetic candor from his heart, only to later reveal you have no idea how fake women deal with broken wombs.

7. Tie Him To Your Bedpost Until He Calls You Hilary Rodham

Men like women who show strength in secret. Be bossy, but only in moments in which it is not crucial or enlightening. Momentary delusions of grandeur convey that you’re a creative type.

 8. Buy Matching “4evr Jung”  License Plates

Music and psychology references combined with number subbed words are a game changer. Most women would just buy him a personalized toothbrush and call it a day.

9. Talk About His Body In Public

Bring up bedroom talk to groups of friends when you’re out. Mention his body parts you think could use some Fabio-work. This will cause him to doubt his virility, which is the sweet spot of unenthusiastic commitment.

10. “Accidentally” Leave Your Wallet At Home

Everytime. It’s important that he feels fiscally responsible for you, ideally even doubting the validity of your employment situation. This way if he wants to break up he will feel shame for leaving you foodless.

11. Take Some Mom-pills And Lose The Belly-fat

THEY ARE NOT ANFEDAMINES WE SWEAR.

Bronwyn Isaac is a real woman who shamelessly chugs Kim Chee while wandering around her neighborhood.

by David Sharp

HASTINGS, Neb. – The picnic table was stocked with potato salad and Doritos, the cooler filled with a variety of Capri-Sun flavors, and the apple crate was set out in the sun for speechin’ on a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the Spring. This placid scene would not last long, however, as the potato salad ran out before everybody got some. Also there was almost a racist riot.

A peaceful “Take Back the White” racism awareness rally held in Hartwell Park on Sunday turned ugly when a crowd of anti-racism dissidents shouting and waving signs containing racist epithets stole the focus from the well-meaning hate speeches that some area racists were attempting to deliver in the usually bucolic park.

The racist rights rally was attended by approximately eight participants, comprised mostly of the members of the six most prominent pro-racist organizations in the city including The National Association For the Advancement of People That Still Say Colored People, The Insane Racist Posse, and the ACLU. The event was also attended by about 25-30 protesters (or, in feminist math, approximately 3.5 Women’s Studies Classes) who carried signs bearing slogans like “Racist go home,” “I H8 H8RED” and “Racists lack sophisticated pattern recognition skills” and shouted, clapped, and banged thunder sticks whenever a new speaker took the apple crate.

Kurtis Honeyham, president of Keep America Bigotful, had his keynote address disrupted by heckling from the multi-racial, pan-sexual peanut gallery, causing him at one point to quit reading from his prepared remarks to shout back at the rabidly liberal crowd. “Ya’ll quit stereotypin’ me for the way I stereotype!” he hollered through the old-timey cardboard megaphone that all the speakers were sharing, “I am an individual racist that is also a part of a long tradition of racism: my granddaddy didn’t hire no Irish or Italians! My great-great grandpa is one of the first settlers to come to America with smallpox blankets! Light is both a particle and a wave; so too is the racist! I still say ‘Oriental!’” Then the activists started throwing bottles.

The scene could have turned even uglier save for the intervention of the Hastings Police Department standing by in full riot gear, and by the beginning of the latest Game of Thrones episode. The start of the popular HBO series is estimated to have led to 5 of the racists and 2.8 WSC of the protesters departing to go see what the fuck was up with that dragon.

Cindy Piscataway, who totally hates racism, actively wondering if this week’s GOT will show boob.

David Sharp is senior Reporter Reporter and has never seen a single episode of Game of Thrones.

 by Tim Barnes (@timbarnes451)

UNVERIFIED LOCATION — UNVERIFIED LOCATION - Unknown sources have verified that evil supergroup, The Illuminati, has officially broken up for good this time. The announcement came after months of rumors and speculation.

“It’s been great working with these guys,” said former Vice President, Dick Cheney “but things change, and this is all for the best.”

Jay Z, a relative newcomer to the ancient satanist group,  issued a statement on his website about how much he loves his daughter, Blue Ivy. Illuminati experts have decoded his remarks, and agree that it means “Evil will spread more efficiently without a unified group. Also, I really love my daughter.”

The Illuminati has had it’s ups and downs in its thousand year history. Most recently, Kanye West’s claim that George W. Bush doesn’t care about black people caused a big stir in Illuminati water cooler discussions.

“I just didn’t get it,” said W. “I wrote his letter of recommendation. I got him into college before he dropped out.”

Still, it seems they’ve disbanded on the best terms possible. 

After a  recent dinner with the global powers, President Obama spoke to the press, stating “I’d like to say thank you on behalf of the group and ourselves and I hope we’ve passed the audition.”

Crazy conspiracy theorists have made claims that none of this is true. However, everyone knows they are a bunch of stupid idiots.

By John Clark

WASHINGTON, D.C. – NBA veteran Jason Collins shocked the sports world today by declaring for sexual free agency, according to a non-swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated.

“I’ve played for Team Straight for two decades,” said a visibly relieved Collins. “It’s time to explore new sexual opportunities.” Sources expect Collins to sign with Team Gay within the next few days.

“Team Gay doesn’t have a lot of wins, but its facilities are immaculate,” said an anonymous source. “The locker room is basically a giant hot tub. And it’s the only team that carries Appletini Powerade.”

Collins is the first player to take advantage of the NBA’s new collective bargaining agreement, which allows players to be gay “as long as they keep their sinful penises in their fancy pants during games.”

The NBA veteran’s announcement spurred plenty of criticism. ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith wrote a blog post stating, “NOT IN MY NBA, YOU DREADFUL MAN-MONGERER!”

And, outside of Collins’ press conference, CBS announcer Jim Nantz paced back and forth with his fingers in his ears, crying “Ew, ew, ew, ew.”

While Collins is searching for a new sexual team, he has promised to continue to play basketball for Washington, which allows him to dress as the “Sexy Wizard” for team events.

John Clark really hopes Kobe Bryant tweets about this. 

By Cole Moser

NASHVILLE, Tenn. - Scientists at the Country Music Academy announced today the conclusion of their longstanding 81-year experiment on the human liver.

Organizers of the experiment abruptly ended the decades-long trial early this morning after determining they had finally accumulated enough data to publish a broad academic report on the human liver and its response to various stimulants and depressants. The experiment subject, one George Glenn Jones of Saratoga, Texas, was drafted into the study upon his birth in 1931. Despite the rigorous schedule of testing and analysis demanded by the experiment, Jones learned to sing and play guitar, later becoming a pioneer of country music during the last half of the 20th century.

According to sources, fans of the experiment have already begun paying tribute by leaving jugs of bourbon, scotch, and homemade corn liquor on the steps of The Grand Ole Opry.

Cole Moser is a freelance country music lover who stopped loving her today.

Buy tickets to our upcoming show, The Whiskey Journal Live!, every Wednesday in May at Fizz Bar.

By John Clark

DES MOINES, IA – Thanks to a humiliating error on the basepaths Tuesday night, Iowa Cubs outfielder Brett Jackson was left scrambling for alternative weekend plans, according to reports.     

After eying a series of signs from third base coach Mike Adams, Jackson left his position at second base, sprinted towards the coach, and recommended a “great seafood place in Davenport.”

Adams, miffed by Jackson’s advances, waved his hands in denial, as an opponent tagged the disappointed outfielder, who was later embraced by friends in the dugout.

“He gave the ‘steal’ sign, then pointed to his chest,” said Jackson, holding back tears. “I thought he meant I’d captured his heart. It was an honest mistake.”

“Not sure where he got that idea,” disputed Adams. “But runners are all the same—they think every sign means more than it does.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I really like Brett,” said Adams. “I just think it’s better when we hang out with a large group of people.”

Since the incident, Adams has been reluctant to wave runners home. Instead, he’s insisted that runners stop between second and third base, which has crippled the team’s offense.

John Clark wants to remind Brett that he’s young, successful, and handsome, and there are plenty of other third base coaches who would love to take him to dinner. 

Buy tickets to our upcoming show, The Whiskey Journal Live!, every Wednesday in May at Fizz Bar.

by Cole Moser

NEW YORK - After several days of reflection following the tragic week of April 15th that included flooding, an earthquake, a fertilizer plant explosion and a Boston terrorist attack, the nation is now taking its frustration out on leading news organizations, whose piss-poor reporting and willful ignorance of journalistic priorities totally fucked up all kinds of shit.

Furious citizens gathered in Midtown Manhattan to demonstrate in front of the major news organizations’ headquarters, excluding the Reuters Building because Reuters actually took its time and didn’t dump hot mayonnaise down its khakis.

“Hey Blitzer!” shouted auto mechanic Ray Lipscomb, 44, of Marietta, GA. “You see all us people down here in the street? No one down here gives a shit who reports it first!”

Though Fox, MSNBC, pretty much all the bastards are due criticism for reporting rumors and hearsay that probably hindered investigations, CNN’s lead anchor for the Boston coverage has drawn the most scrutiny.

“Wolf Blitzer can shove it up his white-bearded ass, telling me two suspects have been arrested at noon on Wednesday when they clearly hadn’t,” said 78-year-old Denise Roush of Wildwood, MO. “If you’re going to screw up that bad why don’t you just go be the bulimic mall Santa you were born to be.”

“It’s like these dolled-up clowns never heard of checking a source before,” Roush continued. “I could have strangled John King with my catheter line.”

When reached for comment at his Montana ranch, CNN owner Ted Turner said “Sure we got it wrong, but them ad revenues ain’t wrong” and then rode away on a bison-drawn chariot.

Cole Moser is a former journalism major and unemployed journalism critic who knew it was those goddamn Chechens all along.

Buy tickets to our upcoming show, The Whiskey Journal Live!, every Wednesday in May at Fizz Bar.

By Andy Boyle

PORTLAND, Ore. — Following an incident at the nearby Lloyd Center Mall, area good parents really envy a bad parent who publicly backhanded the shit out of their noisy kid.

“It was incredibly uncalled for and is definitely not the right way to raise a child,” said nearby father Dylan Daniel, after watching the incredibly cathartic smacking. “I mean, hitting your kid is never okay but holy hell I can just imagine the release that parent felt.”

While grimacing and looking at his nearby four-year-old running in a circle screaming, Daniel continued: “But it’s totally not okay even though it probably fixes the situation quicker and more effectively.”

Daniel, a 31-year-old advertising executive, said all the child development books discuss the negatives associated with hitting your child, which include low self-esteem, loss of cognitive functions and getting child services called on you despite it probably feeling oh so good. 

But it’s not how he was raised, Daniel said, and it’s not how he plans on raising his son, even though he’s had moments where he can totally understand that bad parent’s position, wanting to physically mash his son’s tiny body into his carseat and pin his little arms back so he’ll stop throwing his binkie on the goddamn ground.

“My wife and I have a pretty strong understanding of using time out and taking away toys to keep our boy David in line,” he said. “Yet I would give anything to switch bodies with that bad parent and just see what it feels like to slap the tar out of something.”

Follow @andymboyle on Twitter because his parents raised him right.

Buy tickets to our upcoming show, The Whiskey Journal Live, every Wednesday in May.

By Jeff Steinbrunner

WASHINGTON, D.C. – While fighting overseas sounds like a grueling task, a new study says the toughest challenge for returning soldiers lies here in the United States, where a flailing economy and rapidly changing rape culture now offers little in the way of employment and carefree sexual assault.

 “With all my accomplishments in the armed forces I was still only able to secure a part-time position at Home Depot, and within minutes of forcing sexual contact on a female coworker I’m being reprimanded,” said Lt. Col. Darryl Reed, a decorated Marine Gunner. “My job is, like, for real on the line.

“It’s shocking,” he said. “If I were still in the military I wouldn’t expect to hear complaints about my behavior for weeks, if it all.”

The study suggested the problems stem from a clash of cultures. For instance soldiers, trained in a regimented lifestyle under the chain of command, find it hard to succeed in a system that is unable to threaten the entire female population into silence.

 “This was my first offense and I’m already written up, no verbal warning, no drinks off base where I can laugh about it over beers with my buddy who’s also in charge of investigating the claims,” Reed said.

Reed said last time he was found guilty, he got Lt. Gen. Carl “Jockstrap” Jockins to wipe his record and reinstate him.

“Man, I outrank that dude!” said Reed. “And he he’s still able to get me off basically because I command it.”

“Here I can’t even go to Javier in the lumber department and have him wipe my file, trust me, I asked.”

 While most soldiers find acclimating to civilian life a struggle, others have adapted, describing a place where rapists are culpable for their crimes as “good.”

Follow Jeff Steinbrunner at @jsteinbrunner

By Rob Gregory (@GregRobbery)

CHICAGO, IL — The Chicago Cubs may have gotten off to a rocky start this season but that hasn’t stopped the lovable losers from enjoying America’s pastime, even if it’s just for the ambiance.

“I mean truly, how many chances do you get to take in a game, like 162 or so?” said shortstop Starlin Castro, who isn’t letting the Cubs’ 5-12 record ruin his enjoyment of the game. “You have to indulge yourself, even if your team isn’t the Yankees.”

Castro later added he’d like his team to be the Yankees.

In spite of the team’s heartbreaking loss to Milwaukee Sunday, right fielder Nate Schierholtz managed to derive some happiness in the form of a keepsake from the game.

‘I caught a ball! I caught a ball!’ he exclaimed after nabbing a pop-fly that brought the second inning to a close.

Manager Dale Sveum surprised the players with tickets to last Thursday’s game with the Rangers.

“It was kind of out of the blue,” he said. “We had no plans of going to the game, but hey, you only live once, right?”

General manager Theo Epstein acknowledged attendance has been low by both fans and players, due to the lackluster start to the season.

On last Tuesday’s bout with the Rangers, following heavy rains and subsequent delays, some players decided to duck out and listen to the rest of the game on the radio. Epstein noted there was still a handful of diehard players who decided to stick around and see if the game would resume.

At Sunday’s game, Epstein dropped an estimated $660,000 for salaries, hot dogs for the players and cotton candy for pitcher Carlos Marmol.

“At the end of the day it’s just money,” said Epstein. “You can’t buy happiness. Or wins with this bunch of knuckleheads.”

Epstein then made a slitting throat gesture at Sunday’s losing pitcher Scott Feldman .

Rob is an avid baseball fan, like the Cubs.

By John Clark

CHICAGO – As the Windy City suffers from historic flooding, a Chicago man has apologized for his epic, drug-fueled rain dance on Wednesday night, according to WGN News.

“Three or four times a month I’ll go to an empty field, do 20 minutes of light step work and call it a day,” said 24 year-old Jake Eagle, a seasoned rain dancer. “That’s enough for a few gentle showers.”

“But last night, I popped some E, climbed to the top of the Sears Tower and threw on some Skrillex,” he confessed. “Don’t know how long I danced, but my feet were bleeding this morning.”

According to reports, five inches of rain fell in the Chicago area on Thursday and Eagle admits that “about four and a half were totally my fault.”

Wary of copycat artists, Chicago police issued a temporary ban on “all attempts to commune with the weather gods.”

In a press release, Mayor Rahm Emanuel asked “all local sun dancers” to “wake the fuck up already.”

John Clark has been damp all day. 

by Erin Zimmerman @aboxapart

How many times have you asked yourself, “did he just say what I think he said mean what I thought it meant?” Too many. The minds at Shirley’s Temple starved themselves long into the night to come up with an answer for you. And have we got the skinny! Remember, it’s just like your mom said, guys are shy too, so here’s the 411 on his most DL come-ons:

1) “Excuse me.”

Sure he didn’t make eye contact. Sure he kind of shoved you out of the way as he walked past. Sure you’ve never even met him before. But that disturbed backward glance he shot you as you stared hot wet daggers into the back of his head? That’s not fear, it’s the fear of losing you!

2) “Are you in line?”

“…For my heart?” He might seem to be testily attempting to evaluate how much later you’re going to make him for work, but he’s really just using the opportunity to check out your bod. And, hello!? If you’re in the same line, how much do you already have in common? Like who really likes coffee AND bagels? Match. Made.

3) “I think you dropped this.”

OMG, he’s SO polite! This guy was raised right and he knows just how to treat a lady. You barely know each other from class and he’s already watching out for you. Can you say “provider?” It’s like your best friend Kath said, “how do you know he hasn’t been waiting for you to drop something for months just so he could talk to you?” And she’s been engaged twice.

4) “I’m sorry, I always forget your name.”

It’s not that he doesn’t WANT to remember your name or that you’re so insignificant in his life that he can’t even be bothered to recall five letters. It’s that his feelings for you are so raw right now that to remember your name would just be…overwhelming. He might explode. So give him some time. Gently remind him. And one day, he won’t just remember your name, but he’ll put the three most precious words a girl can hear right in front of it.

5) “You’re friends with my girlfriend, right?”

We know, what your thinking: “I am SO much better than his girlfriend, right?” Of course you are! And he knows it, this is just his way of saying it so that his girlfriend just 18” away won’t get her feelings hurt. What a sweetheart! But don’t get cocky just yet, this is the toughest DL come-on you’ll face. So here’s what you do: 1) harass one of his friends into giving you his number, but be cool, 2) go into the ladies room and take a bunch of selfies (don’t forget your ducklips!), and 3) text said selfies to him, one every ten minutes, for the rest of the night. Continue to do this for the next five days. If he’s not yours by the time the weekend rolls around again, he probably wasn’t actually interested and you’ve ruined a friendship.  

Remember girls, just because he didn’t say he was remotely into you doesn’t mean he’s probably not!

Erin Zimmerman is the co-editor of Shirley’s Temple and is way too confident to understand anything she wrote in this article that she hopes you liked maybe, did you?

SEATTLE, WA - Recovering alcoholic Eric Wilson is not really that excited about the upcoming weekend, according to sources close to the 29 year-old Seattle native.

“I don’t really have any plans at the moment,” said Wilson as he lit up a cigarette outside his place of employment on Thursday. “A buddy from high school is having a bachelor party, but I doubt I go. I don’t feel like babysitting a bunch of drunks while they have the time of their life.”

Later this month will mark Wilson’s third full year of sobriety. Wilson quit drinking in 2010 after getting his third DUI, resulting in court-ordered drug and alcohol testing weekly. 

“This last year has definitely been the hardest year to stay sober,” said Wilson. “In the first year or two, everyone is excited that you are turning your life around. Now my friends don’t even really call me to hang out anymore, unless it’s to do something totally lame. I pretty much just stay in my apartment, drinking Dr. Pepper and smoking cigarettes while I play Xbox.”

He added: “I should have gotten sober when Lisa asked me to. It’s really hard to meet girls when you don’t drink.”

When reached for comment Kate Bolen, the cashier at the Walgreens down the street from Wilson’s apartment, said “That guy comes in here all the time. He just buys a carton of cigarettes and a case of Dr. Pepper. He’s a very sad man.”

Written by future recovering alcoholic Kyle Scanlan

Follow Kyle on Twitter: @kylescanlan

The Whiskey Journal has teamed up with the Loyola Business School Graduate Program to improve our business strategy. 

(Third result from a “business man” google image search)

We, here at The Whiskey Journal, feel that we are gaining a lot of momentum. We have  five live shows every Wednesday in May at Fizz Bar in Chicago, we have a solid staff of writers, and are expanding into new media. 

Our problem is that we have no idea what to do next. It turns out comics are terrible business people. Enter Loyola. A group of graduate students have been gracious enough to take us on as a project, and help us improve our business strategy. 

And here is step one. We would be eternally grateful if you would take one or two minutes to fill out a short survey. You will be entered in a drawing to WIN A MULTI-PASS TO EVERY SINGLE WJ LIVE SHOW IN MAY. 

CLICK HERE FOR THE SURVEY. (Your odds of winning will probably be pretty good).

Thank you very, very much from the bottoms of our enormous hearts. We appreciate your readership immensely, and want to make The Whiskey Journal the best Whiskey Journal it can be. Hopefully, we have a long, whiskey-fueled life ahead of us. 

Thank you again, 

Kyle, Ross, David, Andy, Cole, Erin, Tim, John, Bronwyn, James, and Rob

The Whiskey Journal Staff

By John Clark

NEW ORLEANS – After several attempts to shake his unhealthy habit, music producer Steve Johnson recently admitted that he’s addicted to using “chocolate” as a racial euphemism.

“I hang with black artists all day. So the temptation is always there,” said Johnson, a very pale man. “Especially when I worked with The Temptations.”

Johnson says he’s tried healthier racial euphemisms, like “people of color,” “ethnic minorities,” and “soulful ass dudes,” but he can’t shake his chocolate addiction.

While Johnson’s habit upsets some black co-workers, others sympathize with his struggles, noting that they fight similar cravings.

“I’ve been trying to avoid ‘crackers’ for months,” said Tiffany Jenkins, a sound technician. “But crackers are everywhere! And they’re so salty and crunchy. How am I supposed to stop?”

To help avoid crackers and chocolate, both Jenkins and Johnson have tried to eat more fruit. But Johnson claims, “it’s damn near impossible to find a fruit in the hip-hop industry.”

The pun party ended years ago, but John Clark refuses to leave.