Apple Unveils New Cage-Free iPhone Factory


SHANGHAI, China – Apple revealed that its new iPhone 6 devices are being manufactured in a facility that features cage-free work stations for its contractors.

The state-of-the-art factory was opened in early 2014 with a focus on improving conditions for workers. Besides allowing employees to complete their jobs without being restrained in a metal enclosure, the tech giant has started stocking a run-down Faygo soda machine with drinks available to purchase for half a day’s wage.

“We’re happy to extend some of the benefits that our actual employees enjoy at the Cupertino campus to the third-party contractors that painstakingly create our products,” said Apple spokesman Tom Neumayr. “Besides a more open-concept layout like our headquarters in Silicon Valley, the iPhone 6 factory in China is getting a shipment of around 1,000 used bean bag chairs.”

Apple also has plans to paint the theft-detection room where assemblers get strip searched a “fun, bright color.” Additionally, the company is weighing an increase in the number of times that employees are allowed to blink while on the clock from 12,000 to 13,500.

Sales of the iPhone 6 in its first weekend topped 10 million – a new company record. Due to tight production deadlines, Apple only made one employee available for interview.

“I love the new cage-free factory,” said worker Choi Min-sik. “I especially enjoy the new Faygo sodas. Moon Mist is my favorite.”

Upon further review, it was discovered that Choi Min-sik was not actually a worker at the Chinese facility, but instead a Korean film star that Apple paid for his testimony. He is best known for his roles in the original Old Boy and this summer’s blockbuster Lucy.

Despite the mix-up, Apple claims that its workers are happy with the changes. Since opening the cage-free site this year, the company said employee satisfaction has risen 30% and that only 14 people have jumped to their deaths.

Ken Barnard misses the good, old days of playing Snake on a Nokia brick.

Image by abarndweller