America’s Coal Miners Thrilled To Return To Their Dangerous, Shitty Job That Sucks

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COALWOOD, W. Va. — Critics of Donald Trump’s presidency have been harsh, but coal miners in the sleepy town of Coalwood, W. Va., couldn’t be more pleased with his commitment to reviving the coal industry. After years of poverty, the town’s miners can’t wait to return to their shitty, bad job that sucks and kills you.

“For too long, I’ve been stuck at home, unemployed, unable to heave my ragged, dying body into a lightless stone prison and toil like fuck,” said recently re-employed coal miner Jerry Diggs. “I can’t wait to ruin my bones and immediately die in my extremely awful coal mining job.”

For America’s coal towns, the industry’s long decline has meant a devastating loss of absolutely miserable mining jobs that make your life way worse. For many counties, unemployment reached epidemic levels as the mines closed, which sounds bad until you realize how much goddamn dust these guys breathe every day at their hellish death job.

But despite President Trump’s harsh criticism elsewhere, in Coalwood they are ecstatic he has made good on his promise to bring back coal.

“I can’t wait to go to back to the terrible mine and do a ton of fuckin’ digging, which absolutely blows, and breathe a million pounds of dry dust which will kill me instantly,” said coal miner Ronaldo Thompson. “This town’s back, baby.”

With the town’s half-dead, shambling corpsemen going back to work at their back-breaking job that murders you right away, local politicians are looking forward to the insanely not-worth-it capital that will begin flowing through the community.

“We have some serious problems with poverty in Coalwood,” said Coalwood mayor Leland Pepper. “But this coal money, which is crazy small for the amount of life-destroying, shitty, and bad labor it requires, is going to revitalize this community, at least the parts of it that aren’t wheezing, used-up coal miners who have their lives stolen by a bad job that jacks up their whole deal.”

As of press time, excited miners had made their way to their first day back on the job, at which time the mine immediately collapsed, trapping them hundreds of feet below ground in a goddamned rock tomb that rescuers will not breach for eight weeks.

Tom Harrison thinks that actually all jobs are bad.

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