American Snowboarder Named Olympic Village Idiot

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SOCHI, Russia — For the first time in three Winter Games an American snowboarder was named Olympic Village Idiot in a raucous early morning ceremony, breaking the recent drought for the United States.

Using a combination of lewd behavior, sophomoric pranks and substance abuse, Nate Holland, a 35-year-old boarder competing in his third Olympics, wrested the title back from the Australians who have owned it since the 2002 Salt Lake City Games.

“It’s a major honor, brah,” said the native South Dakotan as he opened a Slim Jim with his teeth. “Major.”

“I’m just totally humbled to be here, surrounded by so much primo international tail, ya know,” added Holland with a nod toward a passing figure skater.

Both athletes and organizers agree Holland genuinely deserved the award, after witnessing two weeks of him acting like a real idiot.

On the night of the Opening Ceremony authorities responded to a noise complaint at the Russkiy Dom hotel and found Holland in a jacuzzi with the entire Swiss Women’s Bobsled team and several live sturgeon. His antics didn’t stop there.

According to several reports, Holland repeatedly forced locals to pull his snowboard behind their vehicle with a rope, shouting Drake lyrics at native Russians and declaring himself the “Snow King.” Passers-by claim Holland giggled to himself every time he mentioned the Snow King and then asked if they had any cocaine. He was also banned from the Iceberg Palace for heckling figure skaters and allegedly split a magnum of vodka with a horse.

Holland is “stoked” to not be going home empty-handed after tying for 25th place in the Men’s Snowboardcross, his only event.

John Clark is more of a Summer Olympian but has a thing for Swiss bobsledders.

Image by Tireball Sports.