WASHINGTON, D.C. — A recent report published by the Homeland Naming Council, a division of the Administration for Children and Families housed within the Department of Health and Human Services, has revealed that America is almost completely out of last names and will soon be switching to numbers.
President Obama stated in a press conference earlier this week that America has a responsibility to preserve its ancestral resources. Consquently, he announced that as of October 15th, 2015 each American family will only be allowed one successor to carry their name.
Obama suggested only giving your last name to children that will actually amount to something.
This extreme measure is being placed in effect to simplify citizenship and coordination, according to White House officials.
“My administration has deliberated this change for quite a while,” Obama said. “There is no merit to the rumor that I have made these changes because my name was often a target for cruel schoolchildren.”
Obama continued, “Sure, as a kid I was hurt being called Barack No-Mama, but to enforce such a policy for petty retribution is simply incredible.”
Obama received an overwhelming amount of support from many politicians, including New York’s Anthony Weiner, Alabama Treasurer Young Boozer, Massachusetts State Rep. Ryan Fattman, Congressional candidate Krystal Ball, and House Rep. Dick Swett.
At the end of the press conference Obama excitedly announced that he and Michelle are expecting a third daughter, Jessica 98776.
Jeff Arcuri is an avid water-drinker and may only have five years left.
Image by chrisjrn.