Alternatives To Water In Flint, Michigan

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Thanks to outrage from politicians, celebrities and on social media, awareness has finally been raised about the shameful water pollution in Flint, Mich., a struggling city that has been hit hard by being 45 minutes away from Detroit.

But instead of just sitting there helplessly asking the government to save them, here are some things Flint residents can actively do to substitute for or improve the poisonous water they have access to:

  • The water does not look as brown or taste as bad if you add some colored sugar to it. Go down to the old, abandoned Wyler’s factory off of 475. There’s still some sacks of grape flavoring that the rats haven’t got to yet.
  • Orange Faygo
  • Eat the snow.
  • Squeeze the available juices left from the abandoned car factories.
  • Wadder© by Monsanto
  • The urine of the oldest Flint resident Barb Moraine, who is the gas station attendant
  • Melt the ice that the religious dude down the street keeps frozen in his trailer for the end times.
  • Mayonnaise that has been left out in the sun
  • Now you didn’t hear it from us, but Kid Rock has a 40,000 gallon Mountain Dew fountain at his place in Clarkston.
  • Give Kombucha a try.
  • Wait a year and a half for Michael Moore’s documentary about the bad water to come out and maybe that will change things.
  • Four words: “Tim Allen coke bender”
  • Make mac and cheese, leaving out the unhealthy powdered cheese packet but still achieving the same color.
  • Drink the blood wrung from towels Mich. Governor Rick Snyder uses to clean up after his basement poor fights.
  • Figure out a way to drink an on-the-nose metaphor for segregation and government greed.
  • Bob Seger’s greatest hits
  • Watch an old VHS of Mateen Cleaves highlights as you quietly succumb to dehydration.
  • Just drink the damn water. What’s lead going to do to your brain the Michigan public education system hasn’t already?

The Whiskey Journal staff thinks it’s reprehensible that Governor Snyder is still allowed to use the twitter handle @onetoughnerd.

Image by 9and10news.