Aging Laptop To Serve As Porn Computer

0
0

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Yesterday afternoon, retail analyst Larry Tomkins began the process of transferring the entirety of his computer pornography collection to an Acer Aspire laptop purchased in 2009.

“This is the right move,” said Tomkins, 54, as he collected several flash drives from his work desk. “It makes sense to have everything on one device that I can bring with me into the bathroom, on the plane, wherever. That sturdy old Acer still runs well, and its 1 TB hard drive means I won’t have to weed out that many videos. Only problem is the keyboard’s kind of trashed, but that won’t matter much.”

The decision was not an easy one for Tomkins, who had been enjoying the fast download speeds and increased resolution of his new Dell Inspiron and UltraSharp 34” curved monitor. But a brush with disaster convinced him of the need for a dedicated porn computer.

“I’d just spent all afternoon stalking this gangbang video with Raylene and Gianna Michaels getting a double facial, trying to find a copy that wasn’t behind a paywall,” Tomkins explained.  “Eventually I ended up on this site with a Philippine web address. Everything seemed fine until I clicked on the link. Big fucking mistake. Suddenly there’s this explosion of popups, and my computer completely freezes, except there’s this super loud audio loop of a woman screaming ‘Fuck me harder!’ over and over. Good thing I was working from home that day instead of sitting in my cubicle.” 

“It was stuck like that until I finally yanked the power cord out of the wall, and when I plugged it back in, it took nearly five minutes to reboot,” Tomkins continued. “I haven’t gone that fast from arousal to panic since a condom broke on me in college. Anyway, the computer seems back to normal, but I’ve definitely learned my lesson.”    

At press time, Tomkins was surreptitiously scanning pictures from his office stash of vintage Penthouse magazines.

Eric Stassen is an avid collector of vintage Sears catalogs.

Image by wikimedia.