Adorable: These Third Party Candidates Think They Need Running Mates


Hold on, America–it’s not all about Clinton and Trump this November.

Though it’s not really being reported in the mainstream media at all (but is nonetheless adorable), both the Libertarian and Green Party candidates for president have actually named running mates for their cute little presidential bids.

The Green Party’s Jill Stein announced recently via a press release that many news agencies received and read to themselves while chuckling that human rights activist Ajamu Baraka would be her running mate and take Stein’s place in the event that she is elected President of the United States and unable to perform her duties. She also reportedly vetted activist Kevin Zeese and former Black Panther Party leader Aaron Dixon as possible veeps. Stein also briefly considered the Green Party’s Senate candidate from Maryland Dr. Margaret Flowers, but reportedly “didn’t want to disrupt her Senate campaign.” Just precious.

Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson took a different approach. Instead of choosing a party activist he decided to go with another former governor, Massachusetts’ William Weld. In announcing Weld as his running mate, Johnson told the several assembled local access TV outlets that having two experienced governors running on the same ticket would give them the legitimacy they need to appeal to both disaffected Democrats and Republicans tired of the two-party system.

“Only Governor Weld and I have the experience we need to be ready to hit the ground running and really make a difference on day one,” Johnson said to an audible chorus of titters and multiple reporters cocking their heads and saying “awwwww.”

Both high-ranking Democrats and Republicans have taken notice of Stein and Johnson and have assured the press they were “very concerned” about both of these “very serious” tickets.

Interim DNC chair Donna Brazile told reporters that the Dems consider the Stein-Baraka ticket as a very serious threat to their base, and that if Stein was elected Clinton and the DNC would be amenable to working with the new president. After her remarks Brazile then smiled and winked.

Even RNC chairman Reince Priebus has voiced concern that the Johnson-Weld campaign message is occasionally resonating in far-flung corners of the internet and New Hampshire and seems to be vaguely aware of the plucky upstarts. “What, who?” Priebus said. “Listen, we’ve got enough problems without me having to talk about this shit.”

While the Johnson-Weld ticket has been formally nominated since the Libertarian Party convention was held in May, the Green Party ticket only became official last week at their convention in Houston, where attendance was described as “impressive, for what it is.” The Greens are currently experiencing a heartwarming post-convention bump in the polls of anywhere between .00001% and .00002%, depending on which surveys bother to include them.

Both Johnson and Stein were asked if they were worried about challenges from even smaller, adorable-er groups like The Natural Law Party and Socialist Party respectively pulling votes from their bases. Johnson said he thought the Natural Law Party should sit this one out to let only the serious candidates compete, while Stein responded to The Socialist Party threat by saying “Those losers? Please. They don’t stand a chance.”

As it stands now both Johnson and Stein are running neck and neck with write-in candidate Harambe the dead gorilla.

Adam Sokol is planning to vote for whoever has the cutest little plan to legalize every drug.

Image by gageskidmore.