by C. Lloyd
WASHINGTON DC: Former Supreme Court Justice, John Paul Stevens, invokes whistleblower status by confessing the Constitution to be vacuous, exposing the Supreme Court’s enlightened pretenses.
Burdened with guilt, the former justice exposed the horrifying news to major news outlets Sunday afternoon. According to Stevens, the meaninglessness of the Constitution has been shielded from the public since its inception entirely by the efforts of the Supreme Court in order to create the appearance of a legal foundation.
Stevens reflected openly upon hearing the news himself over 30 years ago to reporters on Sunday. “I still remember it so clearly. It was my first day. The other justices brought me into a windowless room, locked the door behind them, and checked all the fixtures for surveillance devices. Then, while surrounded by all eight justices, former Chief Justice, Warren E. Burger, told me the most shocking thing I’ve ever heard: ‘I don’t know any other way to say this,’ he said, ‘but the Constitution is meaningless, and we are all really, really scared.’” Stevens went on to claim that he often broke down in fear of the overwhelming amount of uncertainty and lies the job demanded on a daily basis. “I think I cried everyday for the first 10 years of the job,” Steven’s shamefully admits.
The activities of the Court have traditionally been guarded in secrecy. We now understand, however, that most of the Court’s time is spent assigning and developing different roles to each other in order to create the character depth necessary for the semblance of debate. “In reality, we pretty much agree on everything, and by everything I mean we have not a fucking clue what the Constitution means,” Steven’s claims.
Since its creation, the Constitution has been endlessly reinterpreted for various political problems . With this exposure, many other former justices are now publicly revealing the Constitution’s deceptive history. Following yesterday’s exposure, former Justice David Souter was quoted today to say, “The Constitution can be anything we want it to be. It means nothing. You want to limit freedom with it? Done. You want to expand freedom with it? We can do that too. We could mandate universal healthcare, or we could kill your favorite pet. It’s unreal.”
In the same manner the bible has been expounded for various political motives,the origins and proper interpretation of the constitution has also been the subject of debate amongst America’s ideological camps throughout our history. Yet, with this new evidence, it too will likely be shown to be merely another document used to deceive the masses for the most unjust and self-intersted purposes the U.S. elite.
As Stevens revealed yesterday, “Sadly, there are too many misguided people out there who actually believe there is one interpretation to this piece of paper written hundreds of years ago by a bunch of slave-owning property owners, and if we just look hard enough we can find the philosopher’s stone to unlock it’s secret meaning. It’s so absurd. I can’t believe I fell for it.”
The news revealed by former Justice Stevens yesterday intensified this morning with the startling press release regarding the death of current Chief Justice, John G. Roberts. The conservative Justice was allegedly discovered to be hanging by his underwear in the office bathroom early Monday morning. The DC corner’s office is ruling the death a suicide, likely brought upon by yesterday’s news. The current Supreme Court is expected to release a press statement late this aftrnoon regarding both issues.
– C. Lloyd is a staff writer for The Whiskey Journal.