Seattle Mariners Institute a Three-Ball Walk Rule To Speed Up Games

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SEATTLE — Since the beginning of July, two opposing batters were walked after only receiving three balls while facing the Seattle Mariners. The last place Mariners have decided to say “fuck it” and institute a three ball walk rule in hopes to speed up games for the remainder of the season.  

“The first time it happened, I was angry.  The second time it happened, I realized it actually kind of made things go quicker.  We’re in last place in our division, no one cares anymore.  Fuck it. It’s after the All-Star break and really hot outside, I just want to go home and drink lemonade in the air conditioning,” said Mariners manager Eric Wedge.  

The new three ball walk rule is causing controversy between teams in MLB.  Several teams like the Royals, Astros, and Nationals are all considering moving to the three ball walk rule to help speed up games, while the Chicago Cubs refuse to take part in such an idea.  

“We’re not the Seattle Mariners.  We’re the Chicago Cubs.  It’s not just about winning and losing for us, it’s about people getting together in an old, rat infested stadium and getting drunk on $7 Old Styles.  That’s what Chicago Cub baseball is all about,” said Cubs manager Mike Quade.  

The Mariners know the new three-ball walk rule will not save their season, but they hope to at least give more free time to players and fans who usually spend nearly 3 hours a night watching the last place team.  ”Yes, I’m a baseball player, but I’m also trying to remodel my home this summer and that takes a lot of time.  I feel like this new three-ball walk is really going to help me do both of those things,” said Seattle right fielder Ichiro Suzuki.  

Written by Kyle Scanlan

Follow Kyle on Twitter @kylescanlan