by C. Lloyd
Congressional approval ratings declined as much as 78% Monday when the recently approved Infant Economic Recovery Act took effect. The unanimously supported joint resolution forces “financially inept households” to contribute to the economic downturn by relinquishing all newborns to a Matrix-like harvesting field that will generate enough power to the country until the deforestation and oil-drilling of the nation’s national parks and wildlife preserves can begin.
Outcry over the legislation has apparently motivated the public to critically assess otherwise monstrously-boring congressional proceedings. Florida librarian, Jeramy Savage, was sickened after discovering the recent congressional action to be part of a larger pattern of gross exploitation nearly spanning 30 years. “It’s obvious when I review previous C-SPAN videos that they put great effort to characterize their work to be as dull as possible” remarks Savage. “In fact, they have successfully replayed the same video since April 11, 1992. Nobody seems to have noticed.”
Candice Bray, a 21 year-old receptionist from Kentucky, was upset upon realizing her education on our political system to be suspiciously misleading. Bray openly reflects, “It’s like this whole thing I learned in elementary school is actually controlled by money, and I’m not sure why my teachers would forget to tell me about this critical piece of information that changes everything about my life.”
Many others are now commenting on similar issues regarding the growing parallel between wealth and politics in the US. David Lange, a single-parent father, currently seeking employment, comments on the economic disparity that congress appears to deliberately perpetuate. “Did you know that congress is thinking about removing the Medicaid program that keeps my family somewhat healthy, while simultaneously discussing tax cuts for the richest people in the United States? And all because of some insanely huge ‘shared’ debt that I’m pretty sure is unreal, because if true it would be a catastrophic problem for us all.”
In opposition to recent baby-power legislation, hundreds of millions of Americans are now supporting a massive grassroots campaign that would enact a nationwide ‘Buy Nothing Day’ if full resignation of all elected US officials is not met by Friday. Preliminary calculations predict that such effortless action would incite a global market collapse within hours. Kathy Lord, a protester on the White House lawn Monday was quoted saying, “These assholes thought they could get away with anything, and went too far this time. But I’m glad to see we still have the power to take these bastards down when we need to do so.”
Full resignation of all elected officials is expected by the end of the week.
– C. Lloyd is a staff writer for The Whiskey Journal.