Reports about secret meetings with Russian officials and President Donald Trump’s family, staff, and advisers are nonstop. And while explanations by the administration for those meetings continue to evolve, change, and metastasize, The Whiskey Journal has scoured Russia—a nation of 144.4 million people—and can confirm there are seven (7) individuals who, potentially, are not connected to the President of the United States of America.
1. Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Dead since 1881, the legendary writer was uniquely talented at using language to paint complex, in-depth stories of the human experience. Despite having those distinctly Trumpian qualities, sources say his century in the ground makes him unlikely to be connected to the president.
2, 3 and 4. Pussy Riot
Pussy Riot is a punk-rock artist collective, whose revolving lineup can make the Wu-Tang Clan look cutely under-populated. Sources say the previously jailed protest group members Nadezhda Tolokonnikova, Maria Alyokhina, and Yekaterina Samutsevich are probably not connected to Donald Trump’s administration.
However, former Trump campaign chairman and drinker of teen blood, Paul Manafort, was quoted at the Republican National Convention saying he should be assigned to “tear gas their vaginas.”
While it’s unclear what that means, there remains no evidence that he moved forward with the meeting.
5. Lars Mikkelsen
Lars Mikkelsen is a Dutch actor. He does, though, play a very Russian president on the Netflix series House of Cards. Mikkelsen has spoken out, saying that since he is not in any way Russian, he’s been asked by the Trump administration to avoid the president completely.
6. Alexander Litvinenko
Former KGB agent turned influential critic of Russian president Vladimir Putin, Litvinenko died in 2006 from being poisoned with the chemical polonium-210 while dining at a restaurant.
Sources say his fatal history of daring to speak out against Putin, along with having a radioactive corpse, makes him an unlikely guest at the White House.
7. Alexei Navalny
Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny has been arrested for organizing mass protests, and lost most of his vision in one eye after being sprayed in the face with dye by Russian government supporters.
Navalny’s acts championing the democratic freedoms of speech and assembly, sources say, make it clear that U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions, Trump son-in-law Jared Kushner, academic side-villain Carter Page, and billionaire used condom Donald Trump Jr. would have no reason to meet with the man.
Andrew Voris believes members of the Trump administration and the Russian government are simply human beings with dreams and burdens like the rest of us, who work toward a shared goal of world peace.