Obama Taps Bruno Mars to Lead Special Task Force On Gettin’ Dem Panties Wet


WASHINGTON, DC. – President Obama announced at a Press Conference yesterday that he was appointing pop superstar Bruno Mars as the leader of a special task force on Gettin’ Dem Panties Wet under the auspices of the Department of Doin’ It.

Mars, fresh off the announcement that he will be starring in the Super Bowl Halftime Show, is known for hewing squeaky-clean pop masterpieces like “When I Was Your Man” and for making women ages 12-56 experience physical manifestations of desire when they encounter his music while waiting in line at Subway ®. The President will be relying on the crooner known as “Pocket Casanova” and “The Puerto Rican Jose Feliciano” to provide advice to him and his cabinet on all matters foreign and domestic regarding layin’ it down, smooth operations, and the closing of deals.

The president stated that the appointment of Mars, the Bringer of Moistness, was a necessity because America “has been real hard up recently,” citing the passing of the DODI’s Minister of Moodlighting George Duke and a national flare-up of the herp as contributing factors. After the press conference, the politician and the pop star retired to a private wing of the White house where they painted each other’s nails, cooked cheesy popcorn, and made cootie catchers until dawn.

David Sharp is Senior Smooth Operator for the Whiskey Journal and Associate Professor of Game Theory for CSU Channel Islands.

Photo courtesy of klaus nickel