Boomerang Goes Out For Smokes, Never Comes Back


NEW YORK — Two months after throwing his pet boomerang in the twilight, Johnny Grappe, 9, continues to wait for its return. What first seemed to be a lengthy trip to the 7 Eleven has since turned into the abandonment of a loving family.

The night of the disappearance was as any other in the Grappe household. Johnny played in the empty lot next door amidst discarded tires and broken glass. He launched his boomerang one last time before the dinner bell. He let go, but the boomerang never returned, it just kept on going.

Prior to the disappearance, Johnny’s mother Wendy Grappe had been worried about her son’s relationship with his boomerang.

“Honestly, the boomerang wasn’t great,” Grappe stated. “It was hard to catch, it hit Johnny in the face a bunch of times, but it always came back. A boy needs a boomerang, I guess.

Wendy has since been through a string of new boomerangs, however, Johnny has only lashed out and refused to throw them. She has tried to fill the role the boomerang played in Johnny’s life, but there have been struggles.

“He’ll try to pick me up,and throw me, but it’s not as much fun as when he sees me run in a circle and smack him in the face,” said Grappe.

The Grappes are doing their best to cope, though Johnny’s grades have been steadily declining. When asked why he’s doing poorly, Johnny said, “All I can think about is my boomerang. I feel like it’s my fault for throwing it, even if it did seem like that’s all it ever wanted.”

Johnny’s father Rick stated, “Shut up, it was just a boomerang.”

Photo by James Webb

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Ian Abramson does not exist, but his lifelong dream is to do so, at least part-time. Until then, he performs whenever and wherever. His favorite place to write is here, and his favorite time to write is the Middle Ages. He's very excited to be featured here today because last night he wasn't anywhere at all and voids make him feel empty inside. Also, because he produces Double Feature at the Lincoln Lodge, which has both stand-up and short films. If you like his performance you can see him in the mirror, because he lives inside all of us. When your eye itches, that's him.