Kabukicho District Celebrates Tokyo Being Named Olympics Host

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TOKYO, Japan – Perhaps no one is celebrating the International Olympic Committee’s selection of Tokyo as host city for the 2020 Summer Games harder than the residents of Tokyo’s Kabukicho district, the hub of Tokyo’s humming sex work trade.

Kabukicho, known as the “Sleepless City” is Tokyo’s red-light district and home to over 20,000 baishunfu, or “sellers of spring,” all of whom will be used multiple times in creative and despicable ways by the half-million Olympic athletes, officials, and fans that will descend on Tokyo in 2020 like fuck locusts. Sex workers from all over Japan will be migrating into the city to provide extra holes for the games, which, in addition to Super Bowls and Republican National Conventions, are historically seen as the biggest events on the sex-worker calendar.

Granted most of the prostitutes currently working in Kabukicho will not still be alive by the time the Olympics actually arrive, but the nomination is still being happily greeted as a major victory for the mizu shobai or “water trade,” as host and hostess clubs, pink salons, soap dens, fuck-shacks, rape caves, and freelance pimps of the district will undoubtedly profit handsomely from the sudden influx of athletes, commerce, kaiju fetishists, and general perversity. Don’t forget – these testosterone laden outliers are the same animals that fucked the city of London out of condoms in 2012, so 日本の売春婦はあなたの膣の偉大な酷使のため準備をしなさい。

David Sharp is Senior Cunnilinguistic Anthropologist for the Whiskey Journal and still clings to the radical notion that sex is best when it’s mutually pleasurable.

Image courtesy of Adrian Reilly