NORMAN, Okla. – Country music legend Toby Keith, mired in a long creative slump, is praying for President Obama to send waves of young Americans to Syria, according to a confession on his blog, TobyTalks.net.
“I’m havin’ trouble writin’ new lyrics, y’all,” admitted Keith in his trademark Comic Sans font. “If we’d just pull up our britches and kick that Hashad’s [sic] ass, I’d go platinum in a week.”
The buxom singer is stuck in a relative dry spell, as he’s failed to release a new song during the last three days. So the feather-haired songster has turned to his trusted muse, pointless violence.
“Look, if Mushad’s [sic] using anthrax on Seerians [sic], imagine what he’d do to Texans,” said the cosmopolitan cowboy. “It’s time we went Irak [sic] on these Pershun [sic] [and wildly inaccurate] clowns!”
And powerful figures have heard the hatted he-diva’s request. Sources say a Pentagon memo listed three primary motives for a Syrian war: “(1) Protect Israel, (2) Ensure regional stability, (3) Get Tobes another single.”
John Clark orders Whiskey Journal for his men and Onion for his horses.