CHICAGO – Last Friday marked a milestone for Chicago resident Mark Hamper, as he cited experiencing a full waking sixteen hours without being ambushed with invasive questions from coworkers, neighbors, fellow CTA passengers, and anthropomorphic objects.
“I had to crack open at least five bottles of wine to celebrate. Honestly, I started to doubt this day would ever come,” he remarked, admitting the existential hangover was more than worth it.
Hamper said despite many good intentioned people in his life, he is not holding his breath for the next full day of respite from questions about his birth name, how sex works, whether “he’s sure about the decision,” and if he identifies with “Orange is the New Black.”
“A full day of normal human conversations about cereal preferences, my record collection and not my genitalia was a gift I will never forget,” said Hamper.
Bronwyn Isaac can be regularly found in department stores offering free advice to people trying to do their jobs