VISALIA, Calif. — Tyler McAndrews, 19, of Coalinga, California was able to capture the attention of his estranged girlfriend, Karleen Cassiday, 26, of Visalia, through a brave display of speech, song and stunt – a desperate last gesture that actually worked in winning back her affections.
Cassiday was attending a parole party held in the super nice backyard of Pete Tanner, an event that McAndrews was not invited due to his having been banned for life by Tanner after a previous incident on the 4th of July. McAndrews however, was undeterred by his banning and snuck onto the roof of Pete’s woodshed with his Razor ® Dirt Rocket ™ MX500, a pillowcase full of fireworks also left over from the 4th, and a sestina written on notebook paper.
McAndrews got the attention of the party by lighting a Roman Candle from the pillowcase and attempting to strike partygoers in the Wranglers with the semi-harmless flares. Once he’d successfully attracted the party’s eyes, he also captured their ears and hearts with a moving speech to Karleen where he apologized for “being a fuckstick, shitting on everything we had that was awesome, and breaking into your house.” McAndrews concluded his speech by reciting to the stunned crowd a sestina he composed, the final tercet of which read:
We’ll be forever together,
Imna rub up on them titties,
Now let’s set this shit on fire.
After finishing the last line, McAndrews lit a corner of the pillowcase with his Hank Williams III Zippo lighter and chucked the flaming projectile into the red wheelbarrow glazed with rainwater that rested several feet away from the woodshed. As the Roman Candles, Snakes, M-80s and Fountains began firing, Tyler lit a Marlboro Menthol, kicked the Dirt Rocket’s ™ engine to life, and lowered the visor of his Kottonmouth Kings cap.
McAndrews gunned the Razor ® as hard as he could, propelling himself off the roof and toward the dazzling explosions occurring in the wheelbarrow below. Owing, however, to the fact he’d only given himself a three-foot starting distance, McAndrews accumulated only enough force to propel his face as far as the fireworks display, but not any farther. Tyler toppled headfirst into the barrow, followed closely behind by the Razor ® Dirt Rocket ™, which caught him square in the scrote sack.
Tyler was saved from permanent disfigurement only by Karleen quickly dumping the beer cooler on his head and smothering his body with hers, patting out the flames with her fists. Despite several burns, bruises, and missing teeth, McAndrews and Cassiday began passionately kissing and groping each other’s bodies while the rest of the party erupted in jubilant applause.
“This was my Superbowl,” said a battered but euphoric McAndrews afterwards. “This was a goal line stand and we stopped ‘em. I was Doug Flutie throwin’ up a Hail Mary, and Karleen caught it… I was a Free Safety and I… I struggle to find metaphors outside the world of sport, but let’s just say I’m damn glad to have my old slampiece back.”
“Holy fuckin’ shit – the dumb sonavabitch pulled it off,” said an awestruck Pete afterwards. “Ida never thought Karleen’d talk to him again after all that shit that went down, but after a heroic display such as this I totally get why she’s humpin’ him on the hood of his Civic as we speak. Tyler is officially un-banned for life from all future Pete Parties ®… Some kind of man.”
McAndrews and Cassiday have since broken up again, citing mutual hatred.
David Sharp is senior Serialized Absurdism Reporter for the Whiskey Journal and Curator of the Museum of Mericana located in Ventura, California.
Photo courtesy of mykwillwin