Occupy Movement Declares Victory Over Capitalism


NEW YORK – Zack Waxman, de facto leader of Occupy Wall Street, took to a podium in Zuccotti Park yesterday to declare victory for the movement over the forces of global capitalism.

“Brothers and Sisters of the populist underground, it is my honor to announce that in the battle of the people versus the banks, the people have emerged as victors!” shouted Waxman through a handheld megaphone to a ghost tent town of abandoned bongos and empty Lara Bar wrappers. “The days of predatory lending practices, unevenly distributed wealth, and parents wanting us to get jobs are over! Now is the dawn of our human independence! Does anybody have any change?”

The Zuccotti park protesters were evicted in February of 2012, however the Occupy movement is as strong or stronger than ever according to their website, http://www.nytimes.com/pages/obituaries/index.html. Achievements that the Occupy Wall Street movement claims are 550,000 “likes” on Facebook, student loan debt crossing only the ONE trillion dollar mark, and the recent suicide of Alan Greenspan.

“Wait – were we still doing that?” said Cliff Huxtaburton, a former Occupy member currently working at the Sbarro on 33rd Street, three miles site where he sat from December 2011 to January 2012 on the several days that weren’t too bad weather-wise. “I guess I thought the whole thing had kind of petered out,” he continued, while pepperoning a pie, “You know – youthful ideals that got headlines for a time but were ultimately crushed by the unstoppable juggernaut that is international finance and all that – but we won, huh? Cool. Would you like to try a sample of our Mama Pajama Spicy Marinara Dippin’ Sauce?”

Bank of America reported a 63% growth in profits last quarter, earning over 4 billion dollars in the three-month period.

David Sharp is Senior Economics and Hippie Shit Reporter for The Whiskey Journal. He wondered briefly if he should have done something with Occupy, but then had to set his Fantasy Baseball lineups.

Photo courtesy of The Whistling Monkey