Man Attempting to Stop Love of His Life From Boarding Plane Tackled by TSA Agents

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NEW YORK — Arnold “Arnie” Anderson, 29, was running through LaGuardia Airport attempting to stop the love of his life, Madison Fitzgerald-Ortiz, 28, from getting on that plane when he was brutally tackled, tasered, and arrested by TSA agents.

Fearing that the only woman he would ever love was going to leave New York to go be with Rick, that sleazeball producer from LA, Anderson purchased the cheapest ticket that would get him past security and began running through the airport screaming “Madison! Madison you don’t have to go to LA – you can follow your dreams right here in New York!” Anderson knew that he’d fucked up, but he’d also learned a lot about life and love along the way, and he was certain about one thing: Maddie was his soulmate, the star he navigated his ship by, and the only woman he’d ever made love to without being beset by a storm of comical mishaps… And then Anderson was obliterated.

TSA security agent and former high school free safety Randall Watkins, 33, absolutely blew Anderson’s shit up with a perfect three-point tackle and his partner, Leticia Calderon, 48, followed by striking the already incapacitated Anderson with her standard issue Taser M26-C. “Randy’s in the middle of a divorce right now, so I think he was working out some personal shit on this dude,” said Calderon in her comments to the press afterwards. “And as far as zapping him goes, I probably didn’t have to do it, but that buffoonish caricature deserved it for acting like a dumbass in an airport. Better safe than Osamad, I always say.”

Drool seeped from Arnie’s slack mouth as the missing piece to the puzzle of his heart handed her ticket to a surly Jamaican flight attendant and boarded the plane that would take her away from him forever. Madison never found out that even though he’d only initially asked her out because of the bet that he’d actually fallen in love with her for real – despite the fact that they were total opposites. Following her arrival in LA she lived an affluent but passionless life with Rick, who cheated on her constantly.

Anderson was detained, subjected to eight hours of intense interrogation and cavity searches, and ultimately booked on charges of creating a nuisance, criminal romance, and the knowing and overt usage of cliché. He ultimately died alone.