AMERICA — Jimm Baskett has known since he was a child that he was better than average at sittin’ down, but it wasn’t until signing with Bekins Van Lines in April that he finally figured out a way to put his god-given talents to use. Now Baskett, 42, who just completed an 8,000 mile cross country trip to deliver Miracle Whip Brand Kickin’ Onion Blossom Dipping Sauce to needy Wal-Marts, is making a name for himself as one of the hot young drivers to watch thanks to his sensational sedentariness.
Baskett didn’t play any sports or take part in any activities in high school in order to have more time to devote to sittin’, and skipped college entirely so that he could continue to adhere to his grueling training regimen. Legends say Baskett’s work-outs could involve marathon TV watching sessions, including once in the pre-Netflix days consuming the entire 6-VHS Roots miniseries in a single sittin’ sitting.
According to Baskett’s mother, Jimm has excelled at remaining stationary since he was an infant. “Even as a baby he was real good at just layin’ there,” Said Nancine Baskett, 55, in between tugs off a Kool Mild. “I’d just set’eem out on the grass in the park, or on the back seat of the car, or in an empty newspaper vending machine in the bus stop, and just leave for like hours and hours or whatever – and as far as I know he just set there cuz’ee usually weren’t too far from where I stashed’eem when I come back.”
Analysts attribute the success of this paragon of Newton’s first law of motion to high amounts of natural cushioning in his primary sittin’ zones and an innate nesting ability that allows him to easily create a sittin’ area that gives him access to everything he needs. Baskett’s nest-essaries include a full liter bottle of Mountain Dew: Code Red, a box of Lil Debbie-brand Fancy Cakes, and empty bottles of Mountain Dew: Code Red to be used as trucker bombs. Solid waste disposal, according to Baskett, is less of an issue due to a binding diet based solely around convenience store food that allows him to “not BM more’n once a week.”
When asked if he had any words of wisdom for young duration sitters, Baskett advised, “I find that as long as I’ve got my reachin’ stick and something to piss in, ain’t nothing that can hold me down from bein’ held down.”
David Sharp is Senior Interstate Commerce, Movement, and Lack Thereof Reporter