FT. COLLINS, Colo. — Local pedant Tom Witmer, 33, was “very excited” recently when he had the opportunity to correct the spelling of a Facebook post by his “friend” Adam Badminton, 35.
On Monday evening at 7:15pm Badminton posted “Feeling the urge to go to Taco Bell and try the new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos. Guess I just don’t have enough diarrea [sic] in my life.” At 7:16 Witmer posted “*diarrhea” in the comments section, even though he could’ve just as easily sent the correction as a private message. Or just, y’know, done nothing. Witmer did pause briefly before posting the definitive proof of his intellectual superiority in order to check with Google that he was spelling the admittedly “tricky” word correctly.
“I’ve been waiting for a chance like this for years,” said Witmer in a press conference held after the comment’s posting. “You train your whole life – reading Eats, Shoots, and Leaves, watching movies you hate just so you can be the one guy at the party that can actually say you saw it, making completed crossword puzzles conspicuously visible on your table at Starbucks – just so that you’ll be prepared for these opportunities when they arrive. I was so thankful that I was on Facebook looking at pictures of girls that won’t make out with me at the time of Adam’s posting. Had I been distracting myself in some way – like, for example, using my energy to create something of value in this world – I never would have gotten to show my 351 Facebook friends that I am the smartest man that has ever operated a laptop; a composer and a scientist; a cosmic supernova of an intellect on par with Newton, Nietzsche, and Rand… Those chicks will totally make out with me now.”
As of press time, Witmer has totally not made out with any of those chicks and Badminton has since blocked him from posting any further comments on his Facebook page.
David Sharp is senior Culture, Technology, and Smugness Reporter and would like to remind you that language is an illusion.