VISALIA, Cali. — Tyler McAndrews, 19, of Coalinga, California celebrated his independence today by telling the crowd of 18 friends, relatives, and nemeses assembled at Pete’s place to “Fuck off,” and “Suck his motherfucking dick.”
The crowd, which had gathered in order to communally reflect on our journey as a nation and shoot some roman candles at each other, had just completed the baked beans course of the day’s festivities when the otherwise joyful day turned ugly. Tyler Teagarden, 22, of Hanford, and McAndrews sworn enemy for life, was spotted talking to McAndrews’ girlfriend, Karleen Cassiday, 26, of Visalia, over by the Cornhole bags.
McAndrews previous to the party had worked an over-nighter at the Rally burger, run an errand with Cassiday, and then spent the intervening three hours before the start of the party doing Jaeger Bombs with Cassiday in the parking lot of Clownz Liquor Store – so needless to say he was in no goddamn mood for this fucking shit on today of all days. McAndrews slung a spoonful of Rae’s Deviled Egg Potato Salad at Teagarden, striking him in the tri-tat but also incidentally splatting Cassiday in the eye. Both Cassiday and Teagarden then began bawling McAndrews out, hollering “You dumb fuck I’m wearing falsies” and “The fuck bro?” respectively.
The scene devolved into verbal and physical altercations between McAndrews, Teagarden, and other partygoers, resulting in a couple of buddies of Pete’s from the service dragging McAndrews out of Pete’s super nice back yard and into Locust Street.
“I know when I’m not wanted! screamed McAndrews to the heavens as he rent his tank top in twain while failing to notice Cassiday and Teagarden leaving together in Teagarden’s totally cherry Jimmy. “You all can fuck off and suck my motherfucking dick!”
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA,” McAndrews bleated, extracting a can of Busch from the cargo pocket of his shorts, “HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY.”
For further reading, see Woman Celebrates Independence By Leaving Child at Safe Haven
David Sharp is Senior Communitas and Combustibles reporter for the Whiskey Journal, and still has nearly all of his fingers and teeth.