Trader Joe’s Out Of MY Bread

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SANTA BARBRA – A customer was shocked on Sunday – SHOCKED – to find that the Santa Barbara branch of formerly reputable grocery chain Trader Joe’s was entirely out of Udi’s brand gluten free bread, THE CUSTOMER’S FAVORITE BREAD.

Look TJ, this particular customer shops at your over-priced narrow-selection shithole for two reasons: Udi’s bread and hot yoga milfs, and customer’s got news for you – they’ve got hot yoga milfs at Whole Foods. The customer even heard that they’ve started carrying Udi’s at Von’s. Mother. Fucking. VONS. You think customer needs you for your Kimchi fried rice, Joe? WELL YOU CAN FUCK YOURSELF WITH A RUSTY PRISON SHIV – CUSTOMER WILL FRY HIS OWN GODDAMN RICE YOU UNTREATED HEMORRHOID OF A GROCERY STORE.

Some people might be all like, “What’s the big deal? Trader Joe’s has lots of other gluten-free bread options.” And then this customer would be all like, “WHY DON’T YOU JUST SUCCUMB TO COMPLICATIONS STEMMING FROM A PROLONGED BATTLE WITH BRAIN AND LUNG CANCER THAT LEAVES YOUR FAMILY FINANCIALLY DESTITUTE?” You want this customer to eat some BULLSHIT like SPELT bread? What does he look like, A HOBO WITH CELIAC’S? OPEN UP A CAR BATTERY AND DRINK THE CONTENTS YOU MISCARRIED PUPPY FETUS – HOW DARE YOU NOT CARRY MY BREAD?

FUCK YOU TRADER JOE’S, FUCK EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH, AND FUCK EVERYONE THAT “LIKES” YOU ON FACEBOOK. I HOPE YOU FILE FOR CHAPTER 11 BANKRUPTCY AND CAN NEVER AGAIN GET A LOAN WITH REASONABLE INTEREST RATES! I HOPE YOU HAVE A STROKE THAT LEAVES YOU WONK-FACED AND DROOLY! I HOPE YOU FORGET TO PUT THE GAS CAP BACK ON YOUR EUROPEAN SPORTS CAR AND YOU HAVE TO SPECIAL ORDER A REPLACEMENT AND IT TAKES WEEKS! WEEKS! WEEEEEKS!

Maybe this is why my children don’t answer my phone calls.

David Sharp is Senior White People Food reporter and urges all those that live a gluten free lifestyle to try Udi’s. It really is better.