BREAKING NEWS: Real People Actually Give a Shit About TV People


AMERICA – Recent data published by the UCLA College of Interpolatory Studies shows that honest-to-god real-life humans with jobs and families and everything have genuine emotions connected to the lives of totally fake-ass humans that are written, costumed, and portrayed by professional liars.

This shit-giving reached a new peak after last week’s “Game of Thrones” episode, which featured the deaths of several prominent, yet totally made up, characters on the show. Reports indicate that after the episode thousands of meatspace individuals cried, forgot about their sick living relatives, and wrote angry messages in capitol letters to other flesh-and-blood humans about how finding out accidentally that fancyland people were not going to be pretended up any more totally ruined their ability to navigate the morass that is their actual life.

Some scholars call the process of investing one’s feelings into the lives of fictional characters “identification,” whereas your grandfather refers to it as “a bunch of bullflop” and told you to go pick up his medication from the pharmacy. When asked for comment, representatives for fancyland people did not respond due to their lack of existing.

David Sharp is Senior Arts, Entertainment, and Life Coaching Editor, and upon completion of this article disappeared into the halcyonic wasteland that is Netflix, never to be heard from again. Call someone important to you.