WASHINGTON, D.C. – After collecting your pathetic phone data for seven years, the National Security Agency (NSA) is baffled by how often you text your mother, according to giggling officials.
The NSA’s phone surveillance program, launched in 2005 by a gassy Dick Cheney, was created to track terrorists, but the data has revealed something far more sinister.
“For God’s sake, find another outlet for your daily office gossip,” said Director of National Intelligence James Clapper. “Like, you know, a friend.”
“Frankly, we’d be less concerned if you were texting a violent cleric in Yemen,” said Clapper. “At least that would show some initiative.”
NSA officials also expressed dismay over the frequency of texts to your ex-girlfriends, your obviously disinterested co-workers, and your distant cousins.
After analyzing your data, Clapper issued a warning: “If we’re going to spend all this time saving Americans from terrorists, we’d like Americans to have lives worth saving. You’re certainly not helping.”
John Clark can’t believe the head of the NSA is actually named James Clapper.