What the Rips in Your Jeans Tell Him About Your Pussy

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Whether you’ve been trolling Pinterest for the latest tips on denim distressing or just trying to divine what your drunken dumbassery says about your look, we know you’re concerned about style, inside and out. As S.T. Denim Expert/Vajajay Analyst Bronwyn Issac says, “strategically placed rifts in denim can indicate quality levels of pussy poppin’.” Shirley’s Temple fills you in on the Freud behind the rip and what it’s telling him about your junk.

The Hem—Tattered hems are a no-no when it comes to your no-nos ladies. If you can’t find jeans that fit, then what makes him think you’ll fit him? Plus, your hem is basically the doormat to your snatch and all a dirty doormats says is “NO SOLICITATION PLEASE!”

The Knee—SOO, back to the drunken dumbassery, knee rips tell him you’re a wildcat in bed. So hit the Ciroc, slam the cement, and go full cheetah on him! For more information on the “full cheetah,” check out next week’s edition of S.T. for “Hot to Trot: Which Endangered Species Are You in the Sack?”

The Thigh—Who’s been eating and crying in bed again?! But don’t despair, thigh rips may tell your girlfriends you need to get to the gym, but they just tell him to get in! They are few things more alluring than the illusion of a third labium, and even fewer more inviting than a plump one and all the low standards that accompany it! Eat up!

The Ass—Ok, so you’re thinking, this is just like the thigh thing again right? WRONG. Ass rips make him think about butt stuff and not the good kind. So keep the hot sauces to a minimum and get a new pair.

The Crotch—OPEN FOR BUSINESS! (see photo)

Erin Zimmerman is co-editor of Shirley’s Temple and has always kept a clean hem on her denim. She’ll let you guess about the rest.