CHICAGO — It was with great regret that Andrea Dorf’s 28-week-old fetus relayed the events of last Saturday’s baby shower held in its honor.
“It was underwhelming, to say the least,” the fetus lamented through gut kicks, then describing the horror of its mother being measured and wrapped in toilet paper, only moments later to be heard eating melted chocolate bars out of diapers.
“They half-melted an assortment of candy bars to resemble feces and then lapped them up like dogs to test their chocolate trivia,” said the fetus. “I felt so embarrassed. Is this the image I’ve been projecting?”
The fetus admitted that although there are risks in consuming alcohol during pregnancy, an open bar would’ve greatly improved the spirits of the party, as well as given Andrea Dorf better faking abilities when opening the putrid green “Boss Dog” onesie.
“At one point they competed to see which woman could melt baby-shaped ice cubes fastest,” added the exasperated fetus. “How is that supposed to make me feel welcome as an individual approaching infancy?”
Despite overall disappointment and boredom at the party, the fetus remains positive about the upcoming water birth, claiming there are less foreseeable ways to make that square.
Bronwyn Isaac doesn’t want to measure your stomach unless you provide a hot toddy and Ted Danson is regaling her with Cheers anecdotes.
Image by morten_liebach.