New Study Finds Smoking Still Pretty Fucking Cool

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CHICAGO — Despite countless studies showing smoking tobacco cigarettes to be disastrous for your health, smoking is still pretty fucking cool, according to a new study.

“We can hardly believe this shit,” said Dr. Meg Stinson, the head of the National Cancer Institute, who lead the study. “Smoking can cause cancer, will probably shave off decades from your life and is a large reason for why healthcare is so expensive in America, but I’ll be goddamned if you don’t look cooler than Miles Davis when you got one of them cancer sticks in your mouth.”

She continued: “Fuck, I could go for a ciggie right now.”

The study followed more than 4,300 people during a 15-year period, determining that while still one of the worst things you can do to yourself, people who stopped or reduced the amount they smoked saw a rapid decrease in how cool they were.

“I know each drag introduces toxins into my body that can affect my liver, pancreas and kidneys, not to mention destroy the structure of my lungs,” said 23-year-old bartender Philip Matherson. “Yet each time I breathe in I know everyone around me thinks I’m the goddamn Fonz reborn.”

In related news, a similar study said eating a Whopper still makes you look goddamn disgusting.

By Andy Boyle