Ten Ways You Shouldn’t Die In Your 20s

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The 20s are the most important time of your life if you are in your 20s! Your 20s are when you consume sriracha smothered burgers with less heartburn, you call sexual relations “hooking up” without sounding like an ecstasy toting adulterer, and you won’t deal with personal critique because self-absorption is the best kind of earplug.  The 20s are also a key time to sell prescription drugs, have sex with people that don’t read, and post unedited blog entries in hopes of getting book deals.

 The struggle is real, the jobs are elusive fantasies and the drama is higher than your friend who tapes Adult Swim. A commonly dark but unspoken truth of your 20s is that you will do many stupid actions that logically should cause death.

Without further adieu, here are ten ways The Whiskey Journal believes you should avoid dying in your 20s!

1. Challenging A Neighborhood Gang Member To A Fight To Impress The Attractive Bartender

Gangs are formed because of complex reasons involving systemic oppression in economic dead-end neighborhoods, the need for a family unit, and rampant cycles of violence. You are just trying to get laid. Street Fighter doesn’t count as sufficient training. If you are in a gang, do you tonight, you need a night off.

2. Parkour At The Mall

Although the mall has various counters, pedestrian rails, tables, small children, and occasional chandeliers, the risks involved in doing parkour in such a crowded area greatly outweigh the advantages. Stick to skate parks where the band-aids are as common as the AC/DC t-shirts.

3. Rebounding With Casey Anthony

As a prominent female criminal she may seem attractive as a progressive, but her carefree spirit will soon descend upon your flesh and the flesh of the unborn (and born) all around you.

4. Playing A Jersey Shore Drinking Game With Four Loko

The Situation reveals his abs, take a chug, Snooki cries, take a chug. All of New Jersey face palms – take a chug. You don’t want to be found this way.

5. Dressing Like Free Willy And Jumping In The Ocean

All of us miss the 1990s. All of us wish we could purify the ocean and speak whale, but there are safer forms of self-expression.

6. Snorting The Remains Of Former Family Homes In Detroit

Just wait fifteen years and those homes will be reconstructed into Mcdonalds franchises, looming over the depressed and already gentrified neighborhoods that slowly built themselves back into economic soundness only to be further oppressed by corporate opportunists. Basically, don’t snort future Mcdonalds, that’s just embarrassing.

7. Juggling Torches In A Play

I mean, why are you juggling torches if you’re not a master?

8.  Not Sleeping For A Week Because You Are On Drugs And Think You Are A Genius   

Geniuses need to sleep and be alive in order to leave their legacy to the hungry future generations. Your eyes are beginning to resemble shat on windshields. Shut it down.

9.  Strategically Placing Dead Rats On Your Neck While You Fall Asleep Next To Your Bitter, Homicidal Pet Snake

Snakes are pretty cool, but sometimes they want to eat you when you are baiting them with rats and haven’t fed them for days. Boundaries must be drawn with pet snakes, just as they are drawn with human people.

10. Refusing To Eat Or Drink Water Until You Find True Love On OkCupid

It’s a battlefield out there, full of questionnaires and curated photos and people who will bore you into questioning your human need for sex. Keep on keepin’ on. Explore Facebook/Tumblr/Jdate/Blackpeoplemeet/ChristianMingle/PlentyofFish before fasting. Sometimes love helps those who help themselves to parmesan smattered spaghetti in patient isolation.

Bronwyn Isaac wishes you longevity so she can invite you to TRL karaoke parties in 40 years

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Bronwyn Ariel Isaac is a retired bridge troll who currently resides in laundromats all over Chicago (primarily Pilsen/Little Village). She attended The School of the Art Institute of Chicago for writing right before the United States fully transformed into a bad 1950s sitcom. You can occasionally spot her in public telling edgy puns, reading poetry/essays out loud, pretending to do stand up comedy, and pouring out the remaining crumbs of her soul to complete strangers.