NBA Player Jason Collins Announces Sexual Free Agency

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – NBA veteran Jason Collins shocked the sports world today by declaring for sexual free agency, according to a non-swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated.

“I’ve played for Team Straight for two decades,” said a visibly relieved Collins. “It’s time to explore new sexual opportunities.” Sources expect Collins to sign with Team Gay within the next few days.

“Team Gay doesn’t have a lot of wins, but its facilities are immaculate,” said an anonymous source. “The locker room is basically a giant hot tub. And it’s the only team that carries Appletini Powerade.”

Collins is the first player to take advantage of the NBA’s new collective bargaining agreement, which allows players to be gay “as long as they keep their sinful penises in their fancy pants during games.”

The NBA veteran’s announcement spurred plenty of criticism. ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith wrote a blog post stating, “NOT IN MY NBA, YOU DREADFUL MAN-MONGERER!”

And, outside of Collins’ press conference, CBS announcer Jim Nantz paced back and forth with his fingers in his ears, crying “Ew, ew, ew, ew.”

While Collins is searching for a new sexual team, he has promised to continue to play basketball for Washington, which allows him to dress as the “Sexy Wizard” for team events.

John Clark really hopes Kobe Bryant tweets about this.