Roger Ebert Dies Of Predictable Ending

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CHICAGO, IL — After over a decade of bad health, influential film critic Roger Joseph Ebert died predictably in his native Illinois at age 70.

Ebert saw thousands of films over the span of his lifetime, and the entire nation hated and loved his opinions (often simultaneously.)

As a person who despised obvious plot points displayed in cinema, it came as no shock when he wrote in his journal “I saw this coming.” 

In early 2002, Ebert was diagnosed with thyroid cancer.

Ebert’s Journal:

“Thyroid cancer? Really? Couldn’t I have been diagnosed sometime earlier in my hero’s journey? Obviously I’ll recover, but it will hardly be a thrilling deus ex machina.”

Thankfully, he was right. The cancer had been removed.

Ebert’s Journal:

“I am truly relieved. However, I know that undeserving films are often greenlit for a sequel. Hopefully this cancer doesn’t become a franchise.”

When a past hip fracture was revealed to be cancer in early April, he gave it a scathing review. Zero stars. Full hand down. “Surprise, surprise,” he wrote “it’s all been done.”

His final journal entry read: “So on this day of reflection I say again, thank you for going on this journey with me. I’ll see you at the movies.”

Popcorn’s on us.

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Roger Ebert (June 18, 1942 – April 4, 2013)