PITTSBURGH, Penn. – In an unprecedented turn a local Allegheny County man that has been training for a marathon has remained surprisingly quiet about training for the marathon, sources close to the situation report.
For several months now Tyler Ralston, 26, has been jogging extended distances in preparation for the Pittsburgh Marathon but has curiously decided not to mention it every nine fucking seconds. The 26.2 mile race will take place next month and draw thousands of participants across Pennsylvania, which is remarkable considering that marathons are essentially long, overpriced jogs sponsored by a regional bank and a sports drink company.
“Last week I asked him if he was running it and all he said was ‘Yeah,’” confirmed close friend Matthew Wartek. “He never once used ‘Oh, I have to run ten miles in the morning’ as an excuse to leave the bar early. He hasn’t even tried to start conversations about how expensive his new running shoes are or how they actually do make a big difference.”
Wartek continued: “It’s astonishing how quiet this motherfucker has been.”
Girlfriend Sarah Keegan is suspicious of Ralston’s humility: “Yeah, it’s refreshing but I also think he might be up to something,” said Keegan.
When reached for comment Ralston denied he was up to anything. “I dunno, I just decided to run it. It’s not that big of a deal,” Ralston said.
After the finishing the race Ralston plans to return home, shower and then go about the rest of his Sunday, instead of inviting two hundred close friends to a bar to celebrate with him like it’s some universal triumph of the human fucking spirit.
Cole Moser is a freelance sportswriter who can pay $200 to run a few laps around a city park, too–he’s just not a showboat.
Image by Elvert Barnes.