HAMILTON, NY – This week, students at Colgate University were stunned to discover that Sly Watkins—described by friends as “the man, the myth, the legend”—is only a myth.
Sources say Watkins was the product of a collective delusion by Colgate students, who cast their own aspirations on this remarkable, imaginary man.
“Sly had everything. He was confident, but gentle. Strong jaw, but soft lips. Scholar, athlete, musician.” said Jake Shaw, a freshman business major. “It actually makes more sense that he didn’t exist.”
According to campus males, Watkins committed remarkable acts of debauchery. “Dude swallowed a large pizza pushed through a funnel with a gallon of Evan Williams,” said Tim Jennings, a 26-year-old “lifer.”
But female classmates dispute this account. “Sly? I heard he was a devout vegan, except for the one time he saved a beautiful girl choking on cheese,” said Tina Schmidt, an undeclared sophomore.
“And he sang in the church choir—voice of an angel, by the way—but was refreshingly skeptical about the whole ‘God’ thing,” said Schmidt. “He was more into Jesus as a person, you know?”
The school will not hold a memorial service, but officials have asked students to donate to one of Watkins’ 270 favorite causes.
John Clark still sends Sly Watkins weekly texts, just in case.