Nation’s Binge Drinkers Ponder Next Excuse

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AMERICA – In the wake of the culturally-sanctioned, probably racist, annual self-poisoning ritual that is the St. Patrick’s Day bacchanal, alcoholics, partiers, and problem drinkers across the country are currently planning when their next orgy of excess will be taking place, probably while shitting their god damn brains out.

The closest upcoming major cultural event is Easter on March 30th, however that will obviously only be observed by the nation’s practicing booze-hound Christians, lapsed Christians, and atheists, who make up only a portion of the overall booze-hound populace. Being considered by the double-faded demographic of combination drunkard/potheads is April 20th, or “420,” a date chosen for its relationship to a number that’s important to some burnouts for no real reason anyone can seem to agree on, which they will celebrate by spending the day doing the exact same thing that they do every other day. Sports fan degenerates (which account for 38% of the alcoholic populace and 98% of the sports fan populace) are looking forward to the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament as an upcoming justification for escaping the self that they’ve become with each of their team’s wins, losses, and FUCK IT WHATEVER GO TIGERS!

The next event that lushes of all cultures have agreed to go totally balls out on is May 5th, in recognition of the universally observed Cinco De Mayo. Cinco De Mayo is important to everyone that will one day be denied a liver transplant at some point because it’s “totally Mexican Independence Day or something,” and therefore necessitates “like five or six Coronas, some shots of Patron, a couple pitchers of margaritas, some Mexican Flag shots – you know, the ones with the layers? Dos Dos Equis, a shot of mescal, and then the rest of that fifth of Evan Williams I keep on the nightstand.”

With those dates far in the future, and with many tenacious sots having long ago abandoned most, if not all, of their cultural allegiances save the sanctity of the bottle, thousands of American dipsomaniacs are having to turn to private events as their next rationalization. Popular sources for souses’ next excuses include birthdays, anniversaries, divorce finalizations, getting off work, and the need to just through another fuck of a day on this shit of a rock.

David Sharp is The Whiskey Journal’s Senior Tippler and Junior Remaining Lifespan.