Area Dog Leery Of Owner’s Newfound Interest In Taxidermy


BARRINGTON, IL — Old age and hip dysplasia may have slowed down Freckles the Dog of Barrington, but it wasn’t until his owner Tim Jenkins expressed an interest in taxidermy that the dog truly became worried for his future well being.

“Lately he’s been petting me oddly…like he’s sizing me up for something.  Last week he measured my waist. Is that weird? At first I thought it must be for a pair of doggy jeans. He used to do stuff like that. Now I’m not so sure.”

The 9 year old Golden Retriever said he first noticed Tim’s affinity for the hobby after a recent shopping trip to Cabela’s in Hoffman Estates.

“I waited for Tim in his pickup. When he returned, his jacket was puffier than usual. He said in a frenzied voice ‘Check this shit out,’ unzipping his jacket, and there it was; a green and black stuffed Mallard, obviously stolen from the wildlife display.”

To really send him over the edge, just before taking off, Freckles said Tim held up the Mallard close to his snout, muttered “maybe…just maybe.”

Freckles admitted his anxiety over the matter has elicited bouts of incontinence. To his surprise and even further consternation, the Retriever noted Tim, who at one time would become irate over such incidents, now cleaned the stained carpet with an eerily chipper attitude. “Cree[y,” Freckles added, and shivered.

Freckles hopes his master’s interest in the craft will fizzle, but ended the interview by asking when Kibbles ‘N Bits came out with a chocolate-flavored dog food.

By Rob Gregory @GregRobbery

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