Cured HIV Baby Celebrates A Little Too Hard, Contracts HIV Again


OXFORD, Miss. – The baby that sent shockwaves of optimism through the scientific community last week after it was cured of HIV has unfortunately contracted the virus again while celebrating a little too hard this weekend, authorities at a free screening clinic in Mississippi reported. 

“[The baby] came in with an extremely toxic system,” nurse practitioner Gladys Maxwell reported. “The blood-alcohol content alone was .00004, which is a lot for a baby.”

After receiving news last week that the HIV strain had functionally disappeared from its body, the baby made immediate weekend plans to head up to Memphis to celebrate.

Apparently after several hours at the casinos in Tunica, Miss. where the toddler was observed at the craps table shouting “I’m going to live forever!” and making lewd comments to the waitstaff, [the baby] ended up at a flophouse in North Memphis intravenously shooting speedballs, a mixture of cocaine and heroin.

According to the baby’s entourage there are at least a couple early morning hours where the baby was unaccounted for.

“[The baby] could have ended up on Beale Street mingling with some prostitutes or wandered into a University of Memphis fraternity house,” said friend Jerrod Watkins, 24. “There’s just no way of knowing.”

Watkins continued: “All we know is [the baby] partied too hard and the test results put [the baby] back in the same spot [the baby] was in a week ago. It’s a shame.”

When reached for comment Dr. Hannah Gay, the Jackson, Miss. physician who performed the risky procedure that cured the young child of HIV, said “Aw goddammit, [Baby].”

Cole Moser is a commitment-phobic health blogger who can think of nothing more terrifying than a baby unless maybe that baby had AIDS.

Image by donnyraejones.