Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles File Civil Suit Against Master Splinter For Wasting Their Adolescent Years


New York City, NY – A New York jury awarded $250,000 to each of the four “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” last week following their civil suit against Master Splinter for mental abuse and cruelty during their teenage years.  The month long trial came to a dramatic climax with Leonardo (last name unknown) taking the stand to give an emotional testimony against their former sensei and father figure.  “All we ever did was train and fight when told to do so.  There was no time to have friends, play video games, or meet other mutated reptiles that lived in the Tri-State area.”

The four brothers, now age 32, claimed that missing out on social activities led to severe depression and alcoholism later in their lives.  The lawyer representing the four brothers stated that Raphael’s felony charge for crack cocaine possession was a direct result of him not learning how to function in society and work a real job.  Raphael added, “I only have three fingers. I can’t type.  We don’t even have genitals. What do you want us to do?” 

In addition to claims of not given an adolescent social life, the turtles claimed that they have not received a single dollar from their hit single “Ninja Rap” from the movie Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze, which featured the culturally confused rapper Vanilla Ice back in 1992.  Michelangelo claims that Splinter would get abusive when he inquired about the royalties from the hit song.  He said, “He totally spent all our money, dude.  He was buying expensive new robes.  He even bought a Corvette. It was a total bummer that we were just too scared to say anything back then.  I’m just glad it’s over now“

After the judge ordered Master Splinter to pay the turtles $250,000 each, the four brothers celebrated the news by yelling “Cowabunga” and “high fiving” each other while the terrible rap song “Turtle Power” played in the background.

Master Splinter showing old newspapers to groupies

Written by David W. Helem, Jr.

 Follow David on Twitter @daveyboyhelem