College Sophomore Finds Way To Blame Recent Mass Shootings On Monsanto


MADISON, Wis. – In a deft series of avoidance maneuvers and acrobatic leaps in logic University of Wisconsin student Ryan Habril argued that Monsanto was at least partially to blame for recent mass shootings happening across the nation, sources near the conversation at Chaser’s Bar and Grille have reported.

“Well, it’s like, ya know, if Monsanto wasn’t such an evil corporation I think Americans would eat a little healthier and be a little happier as a culture,” said Habril. “I think mental illness would pretty much disappear if Monsanto was gone.”

“It’s not as crazy as it sounds, guys,” Habril continued. “Have you ever seen Food Inc.?”

The sophomore, who has yet to choose a major but is leaning toward Political Science, has been a tireless critic of Monsanto as well as other agribusiness conglomerates since about the middle of November.

“Whenever he started rattling off all these documentaries we should see my eyes glazed over,” said bystander and acquaintance Matt Grierson. “I thought ‘Oh shit, here we go again.’”

Owen Burkholter, a nearby junior in pre-law overheard Habril’s statements and asked “Are you suggesting that unfair corporate patents on genetically modified soybean hybrids are causing people to walk into grade schools and start firing semi-automatic weapons?”

Habril responded: “Well, like not directly, but yeah.”

Cole Moser is a liberal blogger who believes adopting shelter dogs will prevent another 9/11.

Image by luvjnx.